‘Cause every little thing, is gonna be alright

[Click play or here if the song doesn’t play. It will open in a new window.]

We are having a great start of summer around here.  Swimming, FIRST pigtails, learning the art of “sliding” at the park, learning to eat big people food like chicken, meat loaf, spinach, green beans, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, cherries, watermelon, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries… did I mention she loves fruit?  Oh, and jello.  Yeah that’s right.  Thanks Gagi for introducing jello at Luby’s.  She loves it, of course.  

See more "pigtails and purses" cuteness here.  (Note if you’re not familiar with Flickr: when you click on a link it takes you to a page with a photo.  To view more photos find “Doting Momma’s Photostream” on the right side of the page.  Click on the picture on the right to see the next photo, or the picture on the left to see the previous photo.  Hope that helps!)

I was a nanny for a few months in 2003, in between semesters in Chicago.  It was the best job I ever had and I have been blessed to develop a lasting relationship with the family I worked for, visiting every summer in Chicago.  The baby I cared for will be seven this year.  SEVEN.  I can’t believe it.  This year the girls made Avelyn a homemade card and sent her two of their favorite CD’s for her birthday.  We have fallen in love with them, especially You Are My Little Bird by Elizabeth Mitchell.  Buy it, you and the kids will love it and it won’t make you want to drill a hole in your head while driving in the car.  My favorite song on the album is (hopefully) playing for you right now.  If it’s not try clicking the link at the top of the page and it should play in another window.  It’s a song written by Bob Marley called Three Little Birds and Avelyn and I sing it every morning.  My favorite part is when she sings along with her little baby “you-ou-ou”.  Melts my heart every time.

See more “watermelon days” here.

I am counting my blessings for such wonderful days around here.  I hope your summer is off to a bang too.

Busy bees

Why is it I could write blog posts like nobody’s business when I was in school and totally stressed out, but I can only find time for one, maybe two a week now that I’m home with much less to do?  Must have been that good ole procrastination in me.  Like Katie said “Well, you’re living a real life now, you have more important sh*t going on”.  So maybe that’s it.  My more important sh*t takes up my sweet time now.  Thanks Katie.

This week has been crazy.  Monday I studied in the morning and went for my health screen at the hospital in the afternoon.  It took forever.  Tuesday Avelyn saw the Immunologist and had her bodies worth of blood drawn to test her for allergies and maybe identify things that are keeping her congested, snotty and sick.  It’s more likely her immune system just isn’t mature enough at 13 months to fight off some illnesses but we want to test her for allergens that may contribute to the problem so we could cut them out if necessary.  She will be tested again at 24 months to identify if she was able to build antibodies to two of her vaccines that help her fight off two common strains of bacteria that cause most of the problems she has.  Right now everybody feels strongly that she never developed the immunities, so if at 24 months we find out she hasn’t we can give her a booster (since her immune system will be more developed) and hopefully that will be it.  Having blood drawn was awful so I kept her home and didn’t get much work done. She slept a lot and I started feeling sick that night. 

Wednesday I woke up with the Worst Cold Ever: Part 2 plus a sore throat and didn’t do much until I had to go back to the hospital for a follow up screen.  Thursday was worse, I was sure THIS was the cold that would kill me but had to back AGAIN to the hospital to have my ID photo taken.  Today I slept in, studied in the morning and went to a movie with Kevin for the first time in 9 months.  I never, ever do stuff like that during the day.  I feel awful doing “fun” things in the daytime when Avelyn is at daycare.  I don’t always feel crappy about it but then I feel crappy about not feeling crappy.  Well today I didn’t feel crappy.  Today I thought about all the times Kevin wants to go out with me and I say no because I don’t want to leave her at night with anybody, I don’t trust anyone to put her to bed and I don’t want to leave her.  Today I realized we’re paying out the nose to put her in this great school and if she’s there already, with people she knows and loves I might as well go see a movie.  So we did.  The movie and the Icee were okay.  The Icee free refill was AWESOME.

By the by, Avelyn has transitioned pretty well to the orange room at school.  One of the teachers from the baby room (blue room) moved over to the orange room with her which made the switch so much easier.  That kid does not like change or new faces.  I picked her up Wednesday and she looked unbelievably cute, like a little girl kid, not a little girl baby.  It was around 5:00 so they were all having late day snacks and she was seated at a tiny table, in a tiny chair with her bowl of fruit and her cup of juice.  Just sitting there.  Eating.  Like a little person.  It both thrilled me and broke my heart. 

She didn’t see me right away so I just watched her from the window and smiled as my baby girl sat in her own chair all by herself.  I felt like just one day before I had been swaddling her up in nothing but a onesie and holding her in one arm while all she could do is sleep, eat, cry and poop.  While she still does all those things on a very regular basis, she does so much more too.  

In other exciting news, I’m in the process of a major blog overhaul.  MAJOR.  Like, really really exciting major.  I can’t wait to reveal the new site so be checking in the next week or two for the grand reveal.  Marina over at Penny Lane Designs is currently finishing up another fab job for me and I am on pins and needles waiting to see what she comes up with.  Did I tell you how EXCITED I AM!?!?!?!?  PINS AND NEEDLES PEOPLE!  CAN. NOT. WAIT.

I’m not anything else

I don’t have much left from my childhood.  Some pictures I hold dear, a few books I managed to sneak away when I moved out, a storage tub full of cheap plastic trophy’s and medals, a few of my dad’s old shirts and my baby book (thank God).  Not a lot but things that meant something.  I also have a book of quotes I find every few times we move, something I completely forget about until I see it again.  I found it again today while finally cleaning up the office and had a good time reading through them. 

I was obsessed with quotes in high school.  I think a lot of girls go through this stage although I’m unsure why.  I think for me I was searching for meaning at a time I felt completely lost and suffocating in my crappy life.  I was very sad, very burdened, very romantic in my thinking.  A wistful teenager living in books, dreaming of freedom and drowning in awkwardness.  Ah the days of youth.  There is not enough money in the world to entice me to repeat those years, and probably nothing I would trade for what I learned.

I thought I might add a new quote from the book to the side bar every few days, anytime a new one stuck out to me.  I started with the quote on the cover of my book, “Sometimes the best way to figure out who you are is to get to that place where you don’t have to be anything else.”  I tried Googling the author but came up short so no credit here.  Just keep in mind that unless followed by “WRITTEN BY THE AWESOME AND TALENTED ME” it is not written by me, but by someone else much more famous, profound or loud mouthed. 

If you have one, what’s one of your favorite quotes?

So cherry good

Sitting in the bowl so red,
plump and pretty
a delight to the eye

oh don't be silly
you tell me that my life
is like a bowl of cherries

all soaked up
in the juicy little berry

I'd rather be a raspberry
if you don't mind

I'm just a little different
just a little more that kind.

-Bowl of cherries, by Debra J Stiles

Back in the sad(dle)

Last night I had a mini meltdown.  I lay in bed for what seemed like hours thinking about all the things I was doing wrong, all the things I wanted to do but wasn’t, everything I was screwing up.

Avelyn has to go back to daycare tomorrow after staying home sick Thursday and Friday.  She is supposed to start in the walkers room.  I don’t want her to go.  I know she has to go so I can get some studying done, because if I don’t study I will not pass this test and if I do not pass this test I lose my job and all that I worked and sacrificed for will be a waste.  So she has to go to daycare.  But I feel like such a crap mom sending her there!  Look at all the fun things we do here at home!  We go to the pool, for walks in the morning, to the park, she is old enough to start doing some art projects, and I want to work with her to start saying words.  Why isn’t she saying any words!  She calls everything ki-tee (kitty) and da-dee (Daddy) or ugh (ugh!).  Shouldn’t she be saying words?  What’s wrong with me?  Why did it take me this long to get through school?  Why do we owe so much money?  Why can’t I stay home with her?  She has fallen so much this week, I don’t think I can take it if she gets hurt.  She doesn’t get hurt at daycare.  Is it me?  What if she falls on the concrete outside?  What if she cracks her head open??  Why am I having this conversation with myself again?!?  AAAGGGHHH!!!

Then I felt the overwhelming sense of anxiety, that heart pounding, impending doom, I’m-going-to-die feeling and I couldn’t stand it. 

It is midnight.  Do not go pick up Avelyn just to make yourself feel better.  Do not.  Oh screw it, go pick up Avelyn.  It will make you feel better, she will sleep in your arms, something she won’t do forever.  Go.

I went.  I picked up that great big thirty two inch, twenty seven pound thirteen month old and held her tight while we rocked back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.  I cried, just a little, and stroked her hair and smelled her skin while she slept in my arms.  I took a deep breath and thought about my favorite Bible verse, I think it was my Dad’s favorite verse too. 

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” – Isaiah 40:29-31

I placed Avelyn back in her crib and just watched her sleep for a few minutes.  She is so beautiful.  So precious and fragile.  I thought about all the things that could happen to her, all the things I want to protect her from, and how little control I have over most of them.  I fell asleep trying to concentrate on that Bible verse, feeling sad and out of control.

She woke up at 6:22 am today.  I lay in bed listening to her talk herself awake for about 20 minutes.  The sound of her voice in the morning just kills me, it is so beautiful and pure.  She was smiling ear to ear when I went to pick her up.  While making her bottles for the day she fell on the kitchen floor and busted her lip.  More blood, more tears.  (From her too).  She fell again in the bathroom while I was getting dressed.  More tears, a bad bump, a terrible scratch and it’s only 8am.  I just cried while I held her, hating that she hurt, hating myself that I couldn’t protect her from everything.  Hating her sick ears for making her so dizzy and unbalanced.  (Her poor little ears.  At her two week post op ear tube checkup Avelyn had a few drops of fluid in her right ear that we were “waiting and seeing” about.  The next week she had dried hard stuff coming out and the week after that runny pussy discharge.  She’s been on an antibiotic for almost a week now and it still has not gone away.  In fact it’s gotten worse.  We go back to the ENT tomorrow.)

She calmed down way before I did and I took her to school.  Since she was feeling bad her teachers in the baby room said she could stay with them today and they would take her over to the orange room for a visit and she could start there full time tomorrow.  When I got home I just got back in bed.  I felt like a giant, fat, horrible loser.  A tired loser.  A loser that just wanted to sleep.  But what kind of a mother took her kid to daycare and came home to sleep?  How terrible am I?!  Here I was, lying in bed while my kid was at daycare and fell asleep.  I got up at 11 and felt okay.  I did some laundry, picked up the house and read a message from a friend I needed to hear.  Just take it hour by hour.  Be a student when Avelyn is at school, and a mom when she’s at home.  Just get it done.  And I did. 

Tonight I’m doing okay.  I’m worried about her ears but hopefully we will get them fixed and she will feel better soon.  I did some NCLEX practice tests today so I am making progress.  I stuck to my plan.  I will repeat this plan tomorrow, that’s all I can do. 

I know all I can do is do my best to protect and provide for her.  Teach her how to live and be the most amazing person she can be.  I can do that.  I am doing it.  I’m just having a hard couple of days.  Thank God she is here, making my life a better one, opening my heart to make me a better person, a better woman, a more compassionate nurse.  I would be lost without her.

[UPDATE: Avelyn’s ear is just not getting better.  We have an appointment next week with an immunologist to test her immune system which the ENT suspect’s is just not mature enough to fight the infection.  I hope they find the cause so we can just give her a booster and be done with it!]

I quit Prozac.

In January.  And the old me finally came RAGING back.  I’m refamiliarizing myself with this person on a day-to-day minute-by-minute basis.  I like her.  I missed her and her funny sense of pissed-offness.  I want to try to “integrate” her with Prozac Jenn.  Prozac Jenn was too subdued, too emotionally leveled, too buried all by herself.  She needs Angsty Jenn.  Together they could make a really confident, balanced, amazing woman.

I would like to write about the emotional roller coaster of real honest to goodness feelings I’m having again, something you don’t have often on antidepressants.  But I don’t have the time and I don’t feel like writing a super sappy sounding post.  I’m busy APA formatting a paper on Autism/Asperger’s.  (Can’t you tell?)  So instead I will summarize my experience as follows:

I had Post Partum Depression.  I cried a lot.  I thought I might die.  I imagined Avelyn dying.  I thought I was letting her down.  I knew I was letting myself down.  I knew I had a problem.  I got help.  Therapy + Drugs = Saving.  I started feeling better.  I learned I’m not to blame.  I learned it’s not my fault.  I learned I’m not responsible for anyone but me and her.  At some point I started feeling nothing.  I didn’t like feeling nothing.  I wanted to cry if I felt sad and yell if I felt angry and feel happy if I was happy.  I didn’t want to live in a dense fog of nothingness and not be able to form thoughts about what I wanted to say.  I wasn’t depressed anymore so I weaned off the drugs.  It was weird.  Now I’m feeling a lot.

So anyway, that drug saved me and if you’ll recall I am a nurse which means I believe in drugs when they are medically necessary and used judiciously.  But now the old me is back.  With gusto and angst, a pinch of sarcasm and a sprinkle of sardonicism.  Just regular old me.  I wonder if my Post Prozac (new) friends will like the old me as much as my Pre Prozac (old) friends do.  Hmm…

With that I leave you with a few tidbits that roll around up there on a some-more-regular-than-others basis:

The sound of you chewing is making me want to throw your food on the floor and rip your hair out.  Not necessarily in that order.

I can’t stand listening to you breathe.  My chest tightens, my hands clench and my heart races and I want to jump out of my chair and scream in your face “STOP BREATHING LOUDLY OR DON’T BREATHE AT ALL!!!!! EITHER LOSE SOME EFFING WEIGHT AND/OR STOP SMOKING SO YOU DON’T WHEEZE LIKE A FATASS COW!!!!!”  (My fake apologies to any of you [non-baby] loud breathers out there.)

Why are you here?  I clearly don’t want you here.  Don’t you see me tensing up and cringing in an involuntary defensive emotional response to your presence?   I’m trying to control it but it’s not working because I am having a visceral response to you.  My therapist and friendapist both said the same thing – I should quit feeling guilty about my FEELINGS.  They’re MY feelings and it’s how I FEEL so I am allowed to FEEL this way dammit. 

Dumbass*.

More and more I find myself shutting my eyes tight and breathing deeply to avoid screaming and embarking on a murderous rampage since this particular behavior could be potentially hazardous, especially while driving.

Sometimes the sound of that voice makes me hate you.

Wow.  That feels good to get off my chest.  I feel like a weight has been lifted.  Welcome back Me. 

(“Now maybe back off the “Angsty” part a tad until these nice folks get to know you better.”  “Shut yo’ face!”)

*For Richey.  Even though he doesn’t read this blog.

Quickies

Avelyn got her third tooth Tuesday, the upper left front tooth. You can't see it by just looking at her but she's tonguing it a lot.

I have a jobinterview on Monday. For a real job. A real nursing job. Moment of silence for Keanu... whoa.

I've settled on a theme for Avelyn's first birthday party! I'm not telling you yet, ANY of you, so don't ask. I don't want to spoil the surprise and I don't want any help! I have waited my whole life to plan my child's birthday party and it will be fantastic.  Oh, and I didn’t even steal ideas from Annalee or Carla’s fantastic first birthday bashes :)

I'm living at my grandparents house now until I graduate. It's hot here because they don't have central air and the window units don't blow cool air because it's too "cool" outside. Also if I opened the window to get some of this so-called "cool" air I risk two things: being arrested for the brutal murder of the damn wienie dog next door that won't shut up or being violated by a passing rapist in the night. This is Pasadena. It's almost a ghetto.

I'm on spring break next week and get to see Hobo for a full week! I also get to study for Community Health, study for High Acuity, study for the HESI exit exam so I can graduate, apply for more jobs and finish a ton of BS case studies.  Doesn’t my break sound fun?  At least it’s in keeping with every spring break I can remember since I had the ability to remember.  I’ve never done anything fun.  SPRING BREAKS BLOW.

I’m starting to exercise and eat healthier.  As of yesterday.  But I didn’t do either today.  Oops.  Guess we’ll start over again next week.

63 days to this! [again]

V-O-M-I spells GENIUS

One thing that always cheers Avelyn up is surfing the internet.  That girl loves her some internet, always slapping the keyboard every chance she gets.  Today was no exception.  Have I mentioned that she is a baby genius?  She slapped so many keys in a row that she opened my Google Reader, clicked on Sharon’s new post, opened one of the photos from the post and started giggling at the picture.  I think she thought Merit’s Daddy was funny.

I was so proud of her technological prowess that I called Kevin over to see it and we both laughed hysterically when about two seconds later I noticed Avelyn had also managed to type “v-o-m-i” in the search bar.  I think she was trying to look up v-o-m-i-T to learn more about her recent ailment.  My kid is wicked smart.

 66 days to Momma’s graduation!

Oy to the vey

Main Entry:       exhausted
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition:         extremely tired
Synonyms:         all in, beat*, bleary, bone-weary, bushed, crippled, dead tired, dead*, debilitated, disabled, dog-tired, done for*, done in*, drained, effete, enervated, frazzled, had it, kaput*, limp, out on one's feet, outta gas, prostrated, ready to drop, run-down, sapped, shot*, spent, tired out, wasted*, weak, weakened, wearied, worn, worn out
Antonyms:         animated, energetic, fresh, invigorated, lively, vigorous
* = informal/non-formal usage

Yep.

I’m too tired to write much tonight.  Exhausted doesn’t even begin to describe it.  Avelyn is still sick.  Going on six days of the ear infection, diarrhea and vomit, vomit, vomit.  Sometimes the vomit would come and go but today it came back with a vengeance.  She just cried and cried and cried all weekend.  I felt like the worst mother in the world because I couldn’t take care of her.  I had to pack the house, pack the truck, clean the house, paint her bedroom walls, drive to San Antonio, unload the truck, and I’m supposed to go back to Houston tomorrow.  Just writing that sentence made my head swim again.

Kevin also caught whatever she had and so did his dad.  By the grace of God my MIL has avoided it and I have too.  We thought she was getting better yesterday but today was just awful.  Depending on how she looks in the morning we may take her in again.  I’m worried about her getting dehydrated since she can’t keep anything down and she’s fighting taking anything in the bottle.  I know she is hungry and wants formula but she can only keep down clear liquids in teeny tiny amounts. 

I am thankful it’s just a passing stomach bug and nothing serious but oh my goodness, her pitiful cries and scared look on her face when she’s throwing up just break my heart.  I want my happy Hobo back!

PS – THANK YOU Lillian for your wonderful help on Friday.  You helped me more than you know and I am so, so, sorry you caught the plague! I owe you big time!

 67 days to Momma’s graduation!

The plague sleepeth upstairs

Two sick people are currently sleeping in their respective beds upstairs.  I am supposed to be packing up the apartment for our big “move into storage” extravaganza tomorrow.  Alas, I sit here in my white t-shirt and pink wet-hair towel writing because you know what?  I’m tired of packing and I boycott until tomorrow morning.

Hobo Baby has been sick since Wednesday suffering from her first bout of fluid imbalance (AKA vomiting and diarrhea-ing all day).  Close to half the kids at school including three in her class were out with the same bug.  Four weeks in and the Bubonic Plague Academy of the World (daycare) has kicked my kid to the curb three times.  A cold, an ear infection and the heaves.  

Speaking of ear infections, after sleeping all day Thursday and barely eating anything she ran a 103.5 temp so Kevin and I took Hobo to the doctor when they got to Houston.  Guess what she has?  Duh da da daaaa, another ear infection.  This is two times in the left and once on the right.  Three since December.  I can almost hear those tubes a-comin’.

Since I have packed up most of the house and eaten everything worth eating in the pantry Kevin stopped at Luby’s to pick up some dinner.  I had my usual, LuAnn with fried fish, green beans and mashed potatoes.  He had the chicken pot pie.  The man loves him some CPP.

I ran Avelyn a bath which finally made her remember who I was and we bonded a little.  Oh, did I forget to mention that my ten month old(!) daughter has decided that she loves Kevin like she used to love me and vice versa?  Well she has, little turncoat.  I hobbled around for weeks after her gorgeous body came ripping out of my hoo hoo and this is how she repays me?  By pretending that this temporary shift in home base somehow means Daddy is her savior?  Oi.  I thought this wasn’t supposed to come for a few more years.  Or months at least. 

After she hit the hay we ordered the moving truck, reserved the storage space and got to packing up the rest of the random crap laying around our house.  Where does all this stuff come from?  Why do we own it?  I don’t use this stuff but I can usually find one reason not to throw it away. That being said, in the future please refrain from sending anymore crap my way.

As the night dragged on Kevin kept making reference to his sick stomach, worrying that that his Seinfeld-esque vomit streak was soon to meet it’s end.  Eventually I told him to go take a “not hot” shower and go to bed.  I hate packing all by myself but what I would hate worse is vomit in my open box of barware.

Just when I decided to call it quits for the night I heard the thunderous stomp of a man running for the bathroom.  Damn.  Good thing he took that bucket with him to bed.  Being a good nursey-wife I sprang into action and bounded upstairs, only to veer off into Avelyn’s room to check on her until the worst of the gut wrenching heaves had stopped.  Hey, I can handle all kinds of gooey goodness but there is no reason to stand above a man hurling the entire contents of his bowels into a toilet.  He ain’t got no hair to hold back.  I did take care of him after that and now he is sleeping peacefully.  Hopefully he didn’t get Avelyn’s bug and just caught the death from the Luby’s.

Damn chicken pot pie.  

Tell her about it

I will be the first to admit that in the past I have stood in plenty of lines rolling my eyes thinking God, lady. Can’t you do this some other time? I could have been through this line 4 times already. You’ve got all day to run your stupid errands and I’m on a 30 minute lunch break. Don’t even think about denying that you haven’t done it. We’ve all been there. We’ve all wondered what those mothers do and judged them accordingly. Then, some of us had kids.

I want to you close your eyes (well, keep one eye cracked so you can read the next few lines) and think back. Back to a time before you had children. Can you remember that far back? Can you remember a time of deadlines and paychecks and meetings and real world jobs? Beds that get slept in for longer than 3 hour stretches? Saturday mornings that involved sleeping and only sleeping at 6:30am? I have a vague recollection of life BC (Before Children). Heck, some of you are still there.

While catching up on one of my favorite bloggers, I came across a great post today. I think it applies to mothers everywhere, not only SAHM’s. When I’m on break I’m a SAHM. I don’t do anything but focus on Avelyn. When I’m in school I have to split my time between her and school and work/clinical. Trust me, neither situation is easier than the other and they both demand the same amount of time. For me personally, the only difference is the amount of guilt involved.

Well, as I was reading this article from a post, my mind was racing. I was getting all up on my high horse wanting to punch Ms. Child-Free from Tacoma, WA in the kisser and tell her to stick it where the sun don’t shine. I was cheering on Newspaper Lady screaming Yes! Yes! You tell her Newspaper Lady! I had so many emotions I didn’t know what to do. Should I email it to all my mom friends? Should I post it to Facebook? Nah, I will blog it of course!

[click on the picture to open in a new window. hold ctrl and push + to zoom in if needed]

I just loved Newspaper Lady’s description of a mother’s life. Any mother’s life. Work inside or outside the home, it doesn’t matter. When you become a mother your entire life changes. Justlikethat. And nobody, nobody, but another mother, can ever understand that change.

I guess I said all that to say this – let’s all put down our Hammer o’ Judgment. Next time you feel compelled to ask yourself what in the world your mom friends could possibly do with all that “free time” just take a deep breath… and then reach alllllllll the way around and kick yourself in the ass. Kidding. Just remember that we’re all different. We are (mostly) all working hard at whatever we’ve chosen to do no matter what or where that takes place. I have never met anyone who appreciates assumptions being made about their life. That being said I will be so bold as to assume you don’t appreciate that either.

Now, with all of that being said, isn’t my Hobo and her guardian angel amazing?

75 days to Mommas graduation!

Stuff I like

Have you eaten at this place? You really should. It's da bomb. I highly recommend the Caprese or Caribbean Jerk Chicken. Mmmm.

Do you watch LOST? If you don't then we might not be friends. Go buy or rent the seasons from the beginning. I have Season 1 I'll even let you borrow if you're local and not too shady. And pass my background check. And take me out to eat. Or you could always watch this fantastic recap (watch this especially if you're a fan of the show-it gets awesome around 55 seconds in):

I ordered some of these for Avelyn a few weeks ago. Genius idea. Sad I didn't think of them first. Get your own here!

Anybody know where I can get my hands on one of these?

I'm going to make Avelyn this dress. Isn't it darling? I love, love, love Etsy. Found a few fab finds for a birthday dress but I'm not giving that up just yet. You'll have to lie in wait for another 2 months. (Can you believe she will be ONE YEAR OLD in two months? I can't.)

I loved being pregnant and I can't wait to have another baby. Although Avelyn is sooooo great I am just enjoying having her all to myself for a while. And by "all to myself" I mean she is 205 miles away 4 days a week living with her Daddy.

I really love Labor and Delivery. Although in school the closest I've come to actually delivering a baby is helping Noelle. And the kid's arm fell off somewhere inside the womb. It was a little disconcerting. Oh well, he went on to live a very happy life before having his butt shoved back on that preloaded metal spring.

Last but certainly not least, I really, really, really like Her. And that hairy dude she's chillin' with.

85 days to Momma's graduation!

Irk

After months of speculation and suspicion I have come to the conclusion that I might be the only woman at the School of Nursing to give birth to a baby that didn't have some sort of shindig thrown by people at school. What does that say about me? Not that I'm going to throw myself off a bridge or anything, it's just an observation.

The old me would probably get all uppity and secretly cry and vow not to share any more baby pictures from this day forward. The new me says Meh, I'm doing great and my kid is adorable. So maybe nobody liked me then. I was fat, cranky, husband-less most of the month and pregnant. Nobody talked to me and I was too tired to talk to them. Wah wah. Look at how I've grown. Well, okay, I've grown a little. Save for about 4 of you the rest probably won't be invited to Avelyn's 1st birthday party. Not so much a slight but it will probably be out of town and you 4 won't go anyway. That's just me being frugal and saving money on the fabulous invitations I'll soon be making. That being said, presents are never frowned upon :)

Speaking of birthday parties I better get a real one this year. None of this crap for the big 2-8 in '09.

We had one of those great weekends where you feel good at the end but you can't really remember anything you did because it was so low key and enjoyable. I love those kinds of weekends. Avelyn turned nine months old on Sunday and I still can't believe it. Where has the time gone? I remember so vividly the early days of waking up every 2 hours to feed her and walking around in a zombie-like haze. You know those days when the baby finally goes to "bed" at 6:30pm and you just sit on the couch and cry because that's all you know how to do? Wow. It should tell you how amazing having a child is that after the first one most of us still want more because, oh man, there were times I thought I might die of sheer bewilderment.

I also started Twitter and Flickr this weekend. Well, finally started using them anyway. We all know how much the world cares about my every move so Twitter is perfect. I've been playing around with Flickr for weeks now and I'm about to bite the bullet and get the pro edition. I've always hated uploading pictures to Blogger. At first I would just upload the original file but they were filling up my Picasa account too quickly. Recently I got smart and started downsizing the pictures to fit your screen, thus taking less space in Picasa. Last week I discovered the true power of Flickr so now I'm hooked. Henceforth all photos will open in Flickr. It's also easier to backtrack and look at every picture I will ever add. Maybe I'll have to be more judicious in my sharing, I don't know. Sometimes this blogging thing irks me a little and I wonder if I should put so much of Avelyn's life out there. Thoughts to ponder I guess.

Connection [dis]abled... Again

Our internet was out again when I got back from San Antonio on Monday. I found this out when checking Tivo Tuesday and discovered NO SHOWS after December 23rd. I wept. Tivo apologized and brought me roses but it wasn't his fault. Stupid Comcast suspended our service until we paid the bill we never received. I was almost screaming at the idiot on the other end of the line.

"Hi, I'm calling because my internet isn't working and I was wondering if it's an isolated problem with just our house or the entire area."

"I show that you are past due in the amount of $34.40 so your service is suspended until you pay the past due amount."

"Oh. Well we've been out of town for a month but there was no bill received while we were in or out of town."

"Regardless of whether you've received a bill or not it is your responsibility to pay on time."

"Okay, but how do I know when 'on time' is if we never got the bill in the first place?"

"You can pay online or over the phone."

"Yeah but we've never gotten a bill from you. I don't know my account number. How do we know how much it is or when it's due ?"

"You can pay the amount right now or online and your service will be returned to you."

"Well I don't have any money. My husband lives in another city so I need my account number to give to him so he can set up the account online."

She proceeds to "give" me the account number which I relay to Kevin, which turns out to be a fake number. I'm 99.64739% sure she gave me a fake number on purpose. Beetch. He figured it out anyway and got it paid. 36 hours later we had our internet back. And my man on the side, Tivo.
Wednesday Katie came to visit. Her visit was full of hijinks and hilarity. I was busy rearranging Avelyn's room so we didn't greet Katie at the door. Etta barked her up the stairs to meet us where she gave Avelyn a great big "Hiiiiii!" when she saw her, which immediately prompted 5 minutes of screaming. We spent the next 30 minutes lowering the crib mattress so Avelyn wouldn't leap to her death and assured her that Katie was not a baby killer come to abduct her. After the half assed handyman crib job we took off to Pappadeaux and had a fab dinner courtesy of Mama Melinda. We ended up in bed by 9:30 but didn't sleep well since Avelyn was adjusting to her first night back in our house.

I had orientation Thursday so Katie volunteered for baby duty. Hmmm. This was going to be interesting. After our dinner out Wednesday night Avelyn had finally concluded that Katie was indeed not here to steal her away. Come Thursday morning and the sight of my shoes going on my feet she decided to reenact Wail of the Abused Baby and would not stop crying until 30 minutes after I left. Luckily no one died, no fingers were smashed and Avelyn had picked up no dirty words by the time I returned. Success! Aunt Katie is officially inducted into the (minutely small) club of people allowed to care for my child!

We went grocery shopping at The Heeb when I got home and bought over $100 of I don't know what. How is it possible to go to the store, come home and unload your groceries and have a fridge and pantry look as empty as when you left one month ago? Sigh. I bought Avelyn some teething biscuits that she loves and we had a grand time laughing at the mess she made and drinking wine. Don't worry, baby had a bottle, we had the wine.

I had lab this morning so Kevin came in last night to watch Baby. One day less to worry about who will take care of her. I hate the whole leaving my baby with strangers thing. I've been able to avoid it for the most part but I'm looking for a new sitter to watch her on Thursdays and all those ugly, awful yucky feelings of leaving her while I'm away have resurfaced. No one is worthy of that beautiful creature!

Girls Night from Jennifer Welch on Vimeo.

Happy Christmas Eve Eve!

Avelyn is sick
I got an iPhone
It's freakin' cool
I've eaten almost an entire batch of cookies by myself
And I made another batch last night
I slept in a room by myself from 12:30am-10:30am a few nights ago
I'm not caring about watching my weight this Christmas
I will regret this in one week
I got my haircut
I don't hate it yet
Etta has peed on the carpet three times
So far no one is stressing me out this year!
This will change imminently
We bought Avelyn a cute red coat with a faux fur hood
She hates it
Duh
In the three days he took care of her Kevin appears to have figured out how hard it can be taking care of a baby by yourself
Avelyn missed me and is totally suction cupped to me now that she's sick

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ I love her ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Short and sweet

Just feeling a little reflective these days. I can't believe Christmas is around the corner, 2008 is nearly gone and my baby girl is almost eight months old...

Tagged by: No One

• Where is your cell phone? Couch
  
• Where is your significant other? San Antonio
  
• Your hair color? Blonde-ish
  
• Your mother? Dallas
  
• Your father? Departed
  
• Your favorite thing? Home
  
• Your dream last night? Avelyn
  
• Your goal? Graduate
  
• The room you’re in? Diningoffice
  
• Your hobby? Avelyn
  
• Your fear? Loss
  
• Where do you want to be in six years? Home
  
• Where were you last night? Home
  
• What you’re not? Stupid
  
• One of your wish-list items? Rug
  
• Where you grew up? Complicated
  
• The last thing you did? Showered
  
• What are you wearing? PJ's
  
• Your TV? Paused
  
• Your pet(s)? Idiots
  
• Your computer? Gateway
  
• Your mood? Aloof
  
• Missing someone? Yes
  
• Your car? Honda
  
• Something you’re not wearing? Ring
  
• Favorite store? TooPoorForStores
  
• Your summer? School
  
• Love someone? Yes
  
• Your favorite color? Pink
  
• When is the last time you laughed? Today
  
• Last time you cried? PreProzac
• Who are you? Momma

Tagging: No One

Springs, dumps and black belts

Parents Strongly Cautioned

This post contains some material that many parents would find unsuitable for children under 14 years of age. Parents are strongly urged to exercise greater care in monitoring this post and are cautioned against letting children under the age of 14 read unattended. This post contains one or more of the following: intense violence (V), intense sexual situations (S), strong coarse language (L), or intensely suggestive dialogue (D).

We spent the afternoon in Old Town Spring walking around and looking at wares, some cool and thus too expensive, and some crap and thus not purchased. Avelyn and I slung it in front of some Christmas characters and I finally realized that the Halloween candy, loaves (plural) of banana bread, chocolate ice cream and BAGS of pretzels I've been devouring for the past few weeks are catching up with me. For my own selfish pride I've chosen the photo in which I most don't look like I'm reenacting IV fat face.

Stopped by the The Dump on the way home and ran inside to scan their rug selection while Kevin drove a sleeping baby around the parking lot and took pictures of the setting sun reflecting in shop windows. They had a few rugs I really liked for $239 and under. Too bad we're so freakin' broke. Why do I do this to myself?

Got home and plugged in the iPod whence we proceeded to dance the evening away with Little Bit until she begged for a bath.

Jammin' from Jennifer Welch on Vimeo.
I called Kevin upstairs after a little bath play to see her being oh so cute. He came up singing The Flaming Lips.

"Her name is Yoshimi - she's a black belt in karate, woo hoo... WOO! Hey do you think she (Avelyn) should take karate?"

"I don't know. If she wants to I guess." He then segways into Tenacious D.

"With karate I'll kick your ass..." and he kicks me in my ass as I'm bent over the tub washing our daughter.

"What the hell! You just kicked me in the vag! Well you kicked me half in my ass too. I pushed a baby out of that area and it's all messed up you A-hole. That hurt!" (I wonder how long I can use this excuse...)

"I didn't mean to kick you in the vagina."

"How about you just don't KICK me!"

It was a pretty entertaining conversation. I wish I had it on tape because you'd all laugh your own a$$es off. When I told him later that of course I would be retelling the story here on the blog he rolled his eyes and smirked like it was a dumb idea so I proceeded to recite to him our conversation and he realized how funny it was. As I walked upstairs he said "Well, at least it will reflect my eclectic musical taste." I guess that's why I love him.

Based on true events

I passed my pedi test today, a test I should have probably failed! If not for wonderful savior friend C I would have had scant to go on. She saved my butt. Now I only need a 58 on the final to pass the class with a 75 but since we all know how incredibly brilliant I secretly am I should be able to pass with a B. Here's hopin'.

In other news, I am officially tired of having pets. Is that awful to say? Oh well, it's my blog so I can say it. It's not that I really love them less now that I have a real baby, but I do love them differently. I want to spend so much time with Avelyn, and I'm so focused on her or keeping myself sane that I just tire of the animals very easily. I'm tired of Etta having to sleep on the bed because she'll pee and poop on the floor if left unattended. I'm tired of her jumping down at 3am every night and doing just that. I'm tired of stepping in pee, picking up poop on the stairs, timing when she eats so she can have her medicine on schedule, shoving the handful of pills down her throat 20 times until she swallows them, listening to her whine because the meds make her want to eat all damn day. Ugh. I know how awful this sounds. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she's better and she's still my dog but man, having Avelyn really put it into perspective for me. Am I the only terrible pet owner out there? In the past I might have been insulted had someone uttered the words, "It's just a dog" but now... well, she's just a dog. I love her, she is sweet and she's mine and I'll be sad when she goes one day but do I tear up and have a panic attack thinking about my life without her? No. Am I the only woman who went from doting on a cute puppy and an evil cat to wishing they would go live with Kevin in San Antonio so I didn't have to constantly clean up after them, yell at them to get off the baby's blanket and not to lick her mouth? Honestly I just don't have the time. Not that I have a full plate or anything... it feels good to get that load off.

Today at school a few of us old married ladies (and one super cute soon to be married lady) sat around and had a grand time commiserating the stupidity of husbands. It was just what the doctor ordered. Sometimes I think we women just need to hear that we're not alone, that 99% of other wives are living with an oaf too. (Love you, Babe, remember that). Here is a rundown of the top list of complaints, in no particular order:

Dear Husband,

• You're not 4 and I ain't your Momma, so instead of throwing them on the floor for me to find, seethe about and eventually pick up while cursing your name, why don't you put your own dirty clothes in the basket when you take them off.
• The dishwasher is 6 inches away from the sink. That's where dirty dishes go.
• You know when I said, "okay I have to study so please don't distract me"? I MEANT IT! SHUT UP! Think of me studying as you watching football, only important.
• Yes, you are right. The floor will just get dirty again but it has to be cleaned and newsflash - I got the vacuum in black and the Swiffer in green so it's manly enough for you to use it. Also, when we have/since we have small ones it has to be cleaned every day because small ones roll/crawl/pick up everything on the floor so let's not give 'em anything to pick up.
• Uh, unless I sleepshave those little hairs all over the bathroom counter are yours and while we're at it is it too much to ask that you wipe the water off the counter so I don't get that sopping horizontal line across my crotch?
• I have been working for the last twelve hours at the hospital. I started before the sun came up and left after it went down. I only get a 30 minute lunch break and my sandwich was soggy from the fridge. My feet look like hooves. Did you seriously just ask me what we're having for dinner?
  
• Oh yeah and just so you know, at the end of the day when you start breathing down my neck and feeling me up and I say "I'm just really tired" it literally means "I'm (in no way JUST) really tired". It can also mean "I've been felt up by kids all day and need some 'nobody touch me' time" or "I recently pushed a baby out of there and now I don't know where anything is anymore" or it could mean "I'll sleep with you when you throw your own underwear in the wash, do the dishes, turn off the TV when I need you to, pick up and sweep the floor, wipe down all the counters and cook us dinner. All on your own. Without me asking or telling. Or congratulating you. I do it day in and day out without accolade so I know it's not an insane request.
  

I would just like to follow with this notice:

This is not MY list, it is a compilation. It is not about MY husband, it is about the husband collective. This post may pertain to you or someone you know but is in no way directed toward any specific person.

Ladies, care to comment? Or gentlemen, I believe in free speech and equality.

For the ladies who know who they are...

[JAR: Today in JAR Jennifer got a 100 on her pedi test. When the "100! You are AWESOME" popped up on the screen confetti and balloons fell from the ceiling and a mariachi band played. She was carried out on a chair, high in the air while the crowd sang "For she's a jolly good fella..." Afterward it was announced on loud speaker that OB was canceled for the rest of the semester and in it's place would be margarita happy hour every week from 1-4pm. As if that wasn't enough it would also be all you can eat guacamole and hot pretzels! And chocolate ice cream! And Laffy Taffy... oops I digress. After indulging herself Jennifer returned home to find Avelyn sitting in the middle of the floor reading Dostoevsky and demanding tea and crumpets. She smiled, closed the door and hugged her 96 pound baby.]

Hold the applause

Avelyn is SEVEN months old!

(Well, she was on November 18th. Now she's older.)

Also, I'm back! Have you missed me? Silly me, what a question. Of course you missed me!

My internet has been down for 8 whole days. I’ve had mixed feelings about it. On the downside I didn’t know what to do with myself. I couldn’t obsessively check my email(s) or post to the blog or stalk other blogs. On the upside, I didn’t obsessively check my email(s) or post to the blog or stalk other blogs. Not that I spend much time doing this during the day since I try to smother Avelyn with attention and love but still, it was kind of nice not feeling the responsibility that the internet demands. I should have been writing a journal each day, chronicling the up and down craziness around here. The last week went a little something like this:

"OMG! What happened to the internet!”
“OMG! Avelyn is sooooooooo cute today!”
“Wow, I haven't checked email in days."
"Um, I really really really really really need the internet."
“OMG! Avelyn has a 104.4 temperature!”

Yeah, that was rough. She had her second flu shot on Monday, the 17th. She was a little fussy the next day, but nothing out of the ordinary since she had the shot and has two teeth just begging to break the surface. When I got home Wednesday she was just waking up from her nap so I paid the sitter and ran to pick her up and squeeze her. (It had been 8-1/2 whole hours since I’d seen her last). When I picked her up she felt really hot and her cheeks were bright red. They felt like fire. Her temp was 102.6 when I took it so I called the doctor. By the time they could see us it was 6:30 and her temp was 104.4. I was freaking out.

What kind of a mother was I? What kind of a [almost] professional nurse was I??? My kid was melting from the inside out and I was just sitting around thinking, “Um, duh, uh, she’s really hot” (okay, it wasn’t that bad). They gave her some Motrin, I covered her in cool cloths and they sent us home. She looked great other than the fever and we figured she probably picked up a virus during her visit on Monday. Damn sick children getting my well child infected with their dirty virus. Luckily she was back down to 98.3 by 7am the next morning. After my pediatric clinical at Texas Children’s this semester I had an awful night imagining having to take her there and be on the other side. It’s hard enough being a nurse to sick kids, I don’t think I’d handle being the parent of the sick kid watching everything happen around me.

Speaking of clinical, I had my last (make up) day on Sunday. It was neither here nor there. Let’s just say I saw some interesting things, read about some awful things people do to their own kids, got a terrible review from a bitchy nurse and went to bed at 9:30. And I only stayed up til 9:30 because Kevin wanted to watch some stuff on Tivo. Sigh. At least it’s over. Just four more weeks and I’m done for the year. Please pray that I pass this semester. We can’t afford for me to fail and have to stay in Houston for another year.

Hmm, what’s next? Oh yeah! Remember way back in time when I told you to wait for the cuteness? Here it is. Avelyn and her baby-boy-friend Cooper hammed it up for us. It rained the day before so we couldn't go outside but I plan on making her wear this costume until she busts the seams so maybe one day we'll get them rolling around in the wild. Shannon, would it be unreasonable to fear a future lawsuit from our children?

Well Avelyn finally met my sister Saturday. We went to a wedding of a girl my sister has been friends with for about 15 some odd years. The bride looked beautiful and Avelyn did really well considering she is 7 months old. We sat at the back and took her out a few times when she felt the need to include herself in the vows. She is so wary around other people, especially those she hasn’t met before so we waited a while before Stephanie tried to hold her. When she finally did Avelyn didn’t shed one tear. My sister and I look enough alike that I guess it wasn’t a shock meeting her.

Well, I'm sure there are loads more stories I am leaving out but since I'm a mom (which = no memory) and I'm not smart enough to write down ideas when I think of them, I'm out. I'll leave you with a few photos from today of my beautiful baby princess.

Ramblings

I think I've got Avelyn on a schedule. It's not perfect but then again nothing is. She is eating, napping and going to bed around the same times each day. It's glorious. Now if I can only get her to realize that 5:30 am is NOT an acceptable time to wake up.

My dog won't quit eating. Or peeing. Or pooping. Seriously, she looks for food all the time. Monday she broke into a double bagged trash bag and ate a half pound of sausage while we were upstairs. Her belly was a solid mass and it was disgusting. Damn steroids.

Thumper bit Avelyn twice in the last month. Not really hard but it happened. I beat him (or tried to) each time but in all honesty he wasn't to blame. She loves him and enjoys hitting him and pulling his ears and hair. It's what babies do so she's not to blame either. She also loves it when Etta licks her. Ewwwwwwwww. I just try to keep an eye on them all and make sure nothing too dangerous goes down.

School is eating my soul. I do what I can and accept what I can't but I could be doing more. I'm going to try to do more. I am going to do more. Tomorrow.

Sweet. Lord. A LOST teaser just played on the TV!!!!!!!! I can't wait!!!!!!!! Please hurry back, LOST!

Somehow the TV is stuck on the CMA Awards. I'm not really watching -- nevermind yes I am, The Eagles are on! There was a reason I landed here! I LOVE the Eagles! Oh. Nevermind. Shania Twain's on now. Someone should tell her that Erica Kane's hairstyle only looks good on Susan Lucci. And it only looks good on Susan Lucci because she's been sporting it since 1908.

I won a game of Facebook Scrabble last night when I should have been sleeping. Or studying. It would be a nice feeling if I hadn't of cheated. Sorry Amanda. "Hi. My name is Jennifer and I'm a cheataholic. Last night I used the Scrabble online dictionary more than once. I'm ashamed but also brain dead. It's an empty victory."

Geez my dog is fat.

I am so in love with my baby.