Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I quit Prozac.

In January.  And the old me finally came RAGING back.  I’m refamiliarizing myself with this person on a day-to-day minute-by-minute basis.  I like her.  I missed her and her funny sense of pissed-offness.  I want to try to “integrate” her with Prozac Jenn.  Prozac Jenn was too subdued, too emotionally leveled, too buried all by herself.  She needs Angsty Jenn.  Together they could make a really confident, balanced, amazing woman.

I would like to write about the emotional roller coaster of real honest to goodness feelings I’m having again, something you don’t have often on antidepressants.  But I don’t have the time and I don’t feel like writing a super sappy sounding post.  I’m busy APA formatting a paper on Autism/Asperger’s.  (Can’t you tell?)  So instead I will summarize my experience as follows:

I had Post Partum Depression.  I cried a lot.  I thought I might die.  I imagined Avelyn dying.  I thought I was letting her down.  I knew I was letting myself down.  I knew I had a problem.  I got help.  Therapy + Drugs = Saving.  I started feeling better.  I learned I’m not to blame.  I learned it’s not my fault.  I learned I’m not responsible for anyone but me and her.  At some point I started feeling nothing.  I didn’t like feeling nothing.  I wanted to cry if I felt sad and yell if I felt angry and feel happy if I was happy.  I didn’t want to live in a dense fog of nothingness and not be able to form thoughts about what I wanted to say.  I wasn’t depressed anymore so I weaned off the drugs.  It was weird.  Now I’m feeling a lot.

So anyway, that drug saved me and if you’ll recall I am a nurse which means I believe in drugs when they are medically necessary and used judiciously.  But now the old me is back.  With gusto and angst, a pinch of sarcasm and a sprinkle of sardonicism.  Just regular old me.  I wonder if my Post Prozac (new) friends will like the old me as much as my Pre Prozac (old) friends do.  Hmm…

With that I leave you with a few tidbits that roll around up there on a some-more-regular-than-others basis:

The sound of you chewing is making me want to throw your food on the floor and rip your hair out.  Not necessarily in that order.

I can’t stand listening to you breathe.  My chest tightens, my hands clench and my heart races and I want to jump out of my chair and scream in your face “STOP BREATHING LOUDLY OR DON’T BREATHE AT ALL!!!!! EITHER LOSE SOME EFFING WEIGHT AND/OR STOP SMOKING SO YOU DON’T WHEEZE LIKE A FATASS COW!!!!!”  (My fake apologies to any of you [non-baby] loud breathers out there.)

Why are you here?  I clearly don’t want you here.  Don’t you see me tensing up and cringing in an involuntary defensive emotional response to your presence?   I’m trying to control it but it’s not working because I am having a visceral response to you.  My therapist and friendapist both said the same thing – I should quit feeling guilty about my FEELINGS.  They’re MY feelings and it’s how I FEEL so I am allowed to FEEL this way dammit. 


More and more I find myself shutting my eyes tight and breathing deeply to avoid screaming and embarking on a murderous rampage since this particular behavior could be potentially hazardous, especially while driving.

Sometimes the sound of that voice makes me hate you.

Wow.  That feels good to get off my chest.  I feel like a weight has been lifted.  Welcome back Me. 

(“Now maybe back off the “Angsty” part a tad until these nice folks get to know you better.”  “Shut yo’ face!”)

*For Richey.  Even though he doesn’t read this blog.


  1. My poor sister used to breathe loudly before falling asleep. I would lay there, awake, and irritated. It is a good thing that we only shared rooms on family vacations b/c I would have fought with her every night.

  2. I think you're pretty kick-ass both on and off the prozac!

  3. I love pre and post Prozac Jen! I have to admit that I am going to go back to the psychiatrist to get back on something, anything. I got off my meds several months ago and while I thought I was good, not so much anymore. We'll see what they have to say...

  4. Thanks Erika, good to know since you knew old meanie me in Chicago.

    And I am watching myself for signs too C. Hopefully I don't have to worry about depression for a long time but I am very careful to monitor myself and I will seek help if I need it. You deserve to feel good about yourself!

  5. good to know. thanks for sharing and your honesty, i love it.

  6. I don't know how to e-mail can e-mail ME though at sarahb987(at)yahoo(dot)com


  7. I like all the Jennifers. not equally, but a few of my favorites: drunk dialing jenn, sarcastic spite for irritating strangers jenn, and eats avelyn's teething cookies jenn.

    also, i hope that Richey is not me. he?

  8. I love the Jennifer I know. You know, the one with gusto and angst, a pinch of sarcasm and a sprinkle of sardonicism. Not that I didn't like the Jennifer before, but a little spunk is always nice. :)

    I loved your post. Very honest. Just know I am always here for you.

  9. Considering I've only really gotten to know you this semester and I like that Jenn, I guess I'm cool with the post-prozac Jenn.

    I'm glad the meds helped you, even if they made you emotionally numb. Reading this, I'm sitting here wondering if I need my meds adjusted (I'm a fellow Prozac user) since I'm still entirely too labile, irrational, and moody for my tastes. I'm thinking it's time to go up a dose.

    And I have to say, kudos to going off in the middle of nursing school. I couldn't do it. I plan on not starting the weaning until a) I get fully stable, b) I'm not in the middle of this nightmare (aka school) or in the middle of starting my first job.

  10. I love Jenn no matter what! I love spunky people! Bring it on. Im glad your feeling again.


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