Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Based on true events

I passed my pedi test today, a test I should have probably failed! If not for wonderful savior friend C I would have had scant to go on. She saved my butt. Now I only need a 58 on the final to pass the class with a 75 but since we all know how incredibly brilliant I secretly am I should be able to pass with a B. Here's hopin'.

In other news, I am officially tired of having pets. Is that awful to say? Oh well, it's my blog so I can say it. It's not that I really love them less now that I have a real baby, but I do love them differently. I want to spend so much time with Avelyn, and I'm so focused on her or keeping myself sane that I just tire of the animals very easily. I'm tired of Etta having to sleep on the bed because she'll pee and poop on the floor if left unattended. I'm tired of her jumping down at 3am every night and doing just that. I'm tired of stepping in pee, picking up poop on the stairs, timing when she eats so she can have her medicine on schedule, shoving the handful of pills down her throat 20 times until she swallows them, listening to her whine because the meds make her want to eat all damn day. Ugh. I know how awful this sounds. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she's better and she's still my dog but man, having Avelyn really put it into perspective for me. Am I the only terrible pet owner out there? In the past I might have been insulted had someone uttered the words, "It's just a dog" but now... well, she's just a dog. I love her, she is sweet and she's mine and I'll be sad when she goes one day but do I tear up and have a panic attack thinking about my life without her? No. Am I the only woman who went from doting on a cute puppy and an evil cat to wishing they would go live with Kevin in San Antonio so I didn't have to constantly clean up after them, yell at them to get off the baby's blanket and not to lick her mouth? Honestly I just don't have the time. Not that I have a full plate or anything... it feels good to get that load off.

Today at school a few of us old married ladies (and one super cute soon to be married lady) sat around and had a grand time commiserating the stupidity of husbands. It was just what the doctor ordered. Sometimes I think we women just need to hear that we're not alone, that 99% of other wives are living with an oaf too. (Love you, Babe, remember that). Here is a rundown of the top list of complaints, in no particular order:

Dear Husband,
  • You're not 4 and I ain't your Momma, so instead of throwing them on the floor for me to find, seethe about and eventually pick up while cursing your name, why don't you put your own dirty clothes in the basket when you take them off.
  • The dishwasher is 6 inches away from the sink. That's where dirty dishes go.
  • You know when I said, "okay I have to study so please don't distract me"? I MEANT IT! SHUT UP! Think of me studying as you watching football, only important.
  • Yes, you are right. The floor will just get dirty again but it has to be cleaned and newsflash - I got the vacuum in black and the Swiffer in green so it's manly enough for you to use it. Also, when we have/since we have small ones it has to be cleaned every day because small ones roll/crawl/pick up everything on the floor so let's not give 'em anything to pick up.
  • Uh, unless I sleepshave those little hairs all over the bathroom counter are yours and while we're at it is it too much to ask that you wipe the water off the counter so I don't get that sopping horizontal line across my crotch?
  • I have been working for the last twelve hours at the hospital. I started before the sun came up and left after it went down. I only get a 30 minute lunch break and my sandwich was soggy from the fridge. My feet look like hooves. Did you seriously just ask me what we're having for dinner?
  • Oh yeah and just so you know, at the end of the day when you start breathing down my neck and feeling me up and I say "I'm just really tired" it literally means "I'm (in no way JUST) really tired". It can also mean "I've been felt up by kids all day and need some 'nobody touch me' time" or "I recently pushed a baby out of there and now I don't know where anything is anymore" or it could mean "I'll sleep with you when you throw your own underwear in the wash, do the dishes, turn off the TV when I need you to, pick up and sweep the floor, wipe down all the counters and cook us dinner. All on your own. Without me asking or telling. Or congratulating you. I do it day in and day out without accolade so I know it's not an insane request.
I would just like to follow with this notice:
This is not MY list, it is a compilation. It is not about MY husband, it is about the husband collective. This post may pertain to you or someone you know but is in no way directed toward any specific person.

Ladies, care to comment? Or gentlemen, I believe in free speech and equality.

For the ladies who know who they are...

[JAR: Today in JAR Jennifer got a 100 on her pedi test. When the "100! You are AWESOME" popped up on the screen confetti and balloons fell from the ceiling and a mariachi band played. She was carried out on a chair, high in the air while the crowd sang "For she's a jolly good fella..." Afterward it was announced on loud speaker that OB was canceled for the rest of the semester and in it's place would be margarita happy hour every week from 1-4pm. As if that wasn't enough it would also be all you can eat guacamole and hot pretzels! And chocolate ice cream! And Laffy Taffy... oops I digress. After indulging herself Jennifer returned home to find Avelyn sitting in the middle of the floor reading Dostoevsky and demanding tea and crumpets. She smiled, closed the door and hugged her 96 pound baby.]


  1. I am right with you on the list! Except with no baby. SB cleaned (partially anyway) the bathroom in preparation for having guests over for Thanksgiving and made sure to broadcast his efforts at cleaning our giant tile bathtub for ... only the second time ever! How does it stay clean all the rest of the time, I wonder? While he did the bathtub, which magic elf cleaned the rest of the flat, set the table, made the dinner, and washed the dishes? Oh yeah, no elf. That was me. Doing what I do on a regular basis, only with much more stress for the holidays. Aaargh.

  2. I love reading your blog. And I can leave a comment like that after this post because I honestly don't have a problem with any of those things that some husbands struggle with. I know that if Jennifer (my wife, for you other readers) leaves a post on here she will back me up.

    Congrates on passing your test!

  3. I came home and asked the darling husband, "do you have a load of laundry yet to go in, I want to add these pants to it if I can?" knowing full well when I left the pile was sky high.

    "oh did you need me to do some"


    it shouldn't be a question of did you need me to do some it should be oh hey look the pile is ginormous I should take care of some of that. No not in my house. I apparently need to request that I have clean undies.

  4. I have never laughed so hard at a post before. First with the husband list and then with the JAR. I literally have tears streaming down my face! Hah!
    I loved sitting in on the husband stories. Ah, what to look forward to in marriage. Maybe next year I can add to the "what are husbands do, or should we say don't do, list". And this JAR was by far one of my favorites. I laughed all the way through. By hey, like my last post said - everyone needs a good laugh!

    Oh, I'm glad you liked the cute baby picture. I thought the baby was just darling. ALMOST as cute as Avelyn...

  5. LMAO - pure greatness!!! I love the husband is SO DAMN TRUE! I am so with you on the whole thing. When I tried to tell my hubby that the biggest turn on I could think of at this point would be him cleaning up after himself and helping out around the house, he said that was the stupidest thing he had ever heard.

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  7. If we didn't have an apartment made for members of the lollipop guild then the water crotch issue could be resolved. It's just that the sink is so damn far away from me that I can't tell when it's wet or not.

    And Sascha, you're such a girl. How can you betray your old roomy like that? If you weren't in Brazil or I weren't afraid of getting killed by wild monkeys, I'd come to your house and slap your stupid face.

  8. If you are looking for entertainment and the word "damn" you came to the right place! This is the greatest blog ever. In fact, I think I am going to retire my 2 blogs because I spend all my time here.

    Kevin, you're the moron who is fessing up to the water crotch issue. Jennifer (yours) made it clear that it was NOT her list. Dork! I tell you what. How bout I move back to the States in a couple of months and smack you with my Biblia. Mark your calendar. I'm comin to town.

  9. ... and, and your the one with the stupid face! Stupid-faced Kevin!

  10. I fessed up to it because I'm a man and I recognize my shortcomings and it seemed like a pretty benign one to fess up to. You being a stupid faced girl of a man wouldn't understand.

    Oh, I'll mark my calendar with blood from your stupid nose after I slap you silly in front of our kids.

  11. Handy things that work on stupid faced husbands:
    1. Put a goal post OVER the hamper.
    2. Hide his beer behind the pumped milk or baby formula and require something to show him where it is.
    3. No sex till you can wash your face in a CLEANED Sink (hence no razor hair)
    4. Give him a crockpot recipe book-- dinner cooks while the game is on
    5. Another goal post over the trash can
    6. "I'm tired" means a bubble bath, a back rub and let me snore while you FINISH! (Stupid!)
    7. Vacuum between innings, quarters or downs during commercial. I will admire you for that

    For the rest of you morons-- short cuts work and foreplay is the key... All day romance douses my excuses.... the best foreplay-- get 'er done before I get home... then MAYBE, you can get ME done!

    The old lady-- aka-- ???

  12. wow. remind me to never get married.


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