Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Back in the sad(dle)

Last night I had a mini meltdown.  I lay in bed for what seemed like hours thinking about all the things I was doing wrong, all the things I wanted to do but wasn’t, everything I was screwing up.

Avelyn has to go back to daycare tomorrow after staying home sick Thursday and Friday.  She is supposed to start in the walkers room.  I don’t want her to go.  I know she has to go so I can get some studying done, because if I don’t study I will not pass this test and if I do not pass this test I lose my job and all that I worked and sacrificed for will be a waste.  So she has to go to daycare.  But I feel like such a crap mom sending her there!  Look at all the fun things we do here at home!  We go to the pool, for walks in the morning, to the park, she is old enough to start doing some art projects, and I want to work with her to start saying words.  Why isn’t she saying any words!  She calls everything ki-tee (kitty) and da-dee (Daddy) or ugh (ugh!).  Shouldn’t she be saying words?  What’s wrong with me?  Why did it take me this long to get through school?  Why do we owe so much money?  Why can’t I stay home with her?  She has fallen so much this week, I don’t think I can take it if she gets hurt.  She doesn’t get hurt at daycare.  Is it me?  What if she falls on the concrete outside?  What if she cracks her head open??  Why am I having this conversation with myself again?!?  AAAGGGHHH!!!

Then I felt the overwhelming sense of anxiety, that heart pounding, impending doom, I’m-going-to-die feeling and I couldn’t stand it. 

It is midnight.  Do not go pick up Avelyn just to make yourself feel better.  Do not.  Oh screw it, go pick up Avelyn.  It will make you feel better, she will sleep in your arms, something she won’t do forever.  Go.

I went.  I picked up that great big thirty two inch, twenty seven pound thirteen month old and held her tight while we rocked back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.  I cried, just a little, and stroked her hair and smelled her skin while she slept in my arms.  I took a deep breath and thought about my favorite Bible verse, I think it was my Dad’s favorite verse too. 

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” – Isaiah 40:29-31

I placed Avelyn back in her crib and just watched her sleep for a few minutes.  She is so beautiful.  So precious and fragile.  I thought about all the things that could happen to her, all the things I want to protect her from, and how little control I have over most of them.  I fell asleep trying to concentrate on that Bible verse, feeling sad and out of control.

She woke up at 6:22 am today.  I lay in bed listening to her talk herself awake for about 20 minutes.  The sound of her voice in the morning just kills me, it is so beautiful and pure.  She was smiling ear to ear when I went to pick her up.  While making her bottles for the day she fell on the kitchen floor and busted her lip.  More blood, more tears.  (From her too).  She fell again in the bathroom while I was getting dressed.  More tears, a bad bump, a terrible scratch and it’s only 8am.  I just cried while I held her, hating that she hurt, hating myself that I couldn’t protect her from everything.  Hating her sick ears for making her so dizzy and unbalanced.  (Her poor little ears.  At her two week post op ear tube checkup Avelyn had a few drops of fluid in her right ear that we were “waiting and seeing” about.  The next week she had dried hard stuff coming out and the week after that runny pussy discharge.  She’s been on an antibiotic for almost a week now and it still has not gone away.  In fact it’s gotten worse.  We go back to the ENT tomorrow.)

She calmed down way before I did and I took her to school.  Since she was feeling bad her teachers in the baby room said she could stay with them today and they would take her over to the orange room for a visit and she could start there full time tomorrow.  When I got home I just got back in bed.  I felt like a giant, fat, horrible loser.  A tired loser.  A loser that just wanted to sleep.  But what kind of a mother took her kid to daycare and came home to sleep?  How terrible am I?!  Here I was, lying in bed while my kid was at daycare and fell asleep.  I got up at 11 and felt okay.  I did some laundry, picked up the house and read a message from a friend I needed to hear.  Just take it hour by hour.  Be a student when Avelyn is at school, and a mom when she’s at home.  Just get it done.  And I did. 

Tonight I’m doing okay.  I’m worried about her ears but hopefully we will get them fixed and she will feel better soon.  I did some NCLEX practice tests today so I am making progress.  I stuck to my plan.  I will repeat this plan tomorrow, that’s all I can do. 

I know all I can do is do my best to protect and provide for her.  Teach her how to live and be the most amazing person she can be.  I can do that.  I am doing it.  I’m just having a hard couple of days.  Thank God she is here, making my life a better one, opening my heart to make me a better person, a better woman, a more compassionate nurse.  I would be lost without her.

05.23.09_ 003

[UPDATE: Avelyn’s ear is just not getting better.  We have an appointment next week with an immunologist to test her immune system which the ENT suspect’s is just not mature enough to fight the infection.  I hope they find the cause so we can just give her a booster and be done with it!]

12 comments:

  1. :o( I'm sorry to see that you are hurting like this. While I can't relate to the having a child part as I'm not a mother, I can understand the pain of depression, the anguish of feeling like a failure, and the terribly wonderful misery of wanting to lie in bed all day. It's awful and I'm sorry to see such a wonderful, caring, funny person stuck anywhere in that unhappy place. The only thing I can suggest is to love that little girl of yours with all your heart and to take everything one day at a time. And if one day is too much, take it one hour at a time. Stick to your study time/mom time plan and things will be way better soon. Hang in there.

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  2. Welcome to Mommy Guilt. Enjoy the ride. I ALWAYS feel like I am never giving enough, doing enough, playing enough with my kids, and that they will indeed turn out to be dysfunctional human beings because of my huge failures. This gets worse with time, I hate to tell you. But, it also gets better in a way. Ella is three and a half now, and for all of my shortcomings as a mother, she is turning into a beautiful, smart, amazing young lady. So, in closing, give yourself a break, woman! We can each only do so much in a day, and some days that means merely surviving until bedtime. Trust me, your girl will not only be fine, she will blossom and grow into a wonderful person, despite all the million ways you feel like you are failing her. And if not, you can do what we're doing: college fund, or MASSIVE therapy fund? Eh, we'll see. ;-)

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  3. "Do not worry about tomorrow, sufficient for a day is it's own evil" - I think I quoted this verse correctly, I don't have my Bible with me today. This is one of my favorite verses and helps me through each day.

    You are OK - your daughter is a better person because you have these feelings. It's obvious you care so completely about her and her well-being. Your a great Mom!

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  4. Jennifer, I'm sorry that you've been feeling this way and I know there is nothing I can say to make it better. I will tell you however that the NCLEX is hard and that studying (although it didn't feel like it helped) helps. The test was full of stuff I've never heard of and meds I didnt even know existed BUT if I hadn't studied I would be sure I failed (although I do feel a little uneasy). I'm hoping that I know more than I felt I did while answering those STUPID questions, if not I'll be taking it again in a month and a half, haha! ..... So I say just study HARD and do LOTS of practice questions. You'll do great!

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  5. Oh girl, where do I start...
    1) If I lived closer I'd give you a big ol hug...then I'd insist on taking you out for a well needed drink (or 2, who am I kidding, 3 or 4 or 5)
    2) You are a wonderful momma. Just LOOK at the beautiful, happy, healthy, loved little girl of yours. I've only seen pictures of her and I can tell that she's one happy little lady.
    3) I feel the guilt too. Every. Single. Day. But we've discussed this before and all of us working momma's out there know that we're working to give our kiddos the BEST lives possible. If we didn't love them with all of our being we wouldn't feel so damn guilty about leaving them.
    4) LASTLY, you've made it this far with the whole nursing school, Avelyn moving to live with Dad while you finished up school, then living with your in-laws (you deserve a HUGE pat on the back for that one). What is a few hours a day away from your baby while you study and make money and she plays and chills with all her daycare gal-pals, right?

    Don't be so hard on yourself, you're a good mom.

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  6. If you need anything, I am here. Ten minutes to a big hug/shoulder.
    You ARE a great mom and an amazing woman.
    I have guilt all the time too.
    Like I said, I am here.

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  7. Thanks guys. I was just having a crap day. Man, when I feel down in the dumps I can really write a depressing post. I should stop doing that. I'm cool. 47 minutes until I quit studying and go pick up that big girl!

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  8. Blah. I feel ya. yesterday was a crap day. I'm sorry. :(

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  9. I hope you feel better soon!

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  10. She is precious, and you are a great mom. Picking the baby up in the middle of the night--I do that too....such a luscious feeling to have a baby sleeping in your arms in a completely silent house :)

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  11. Mommy guilt is tough, I wish I could say it got easier at almost 4 years old. Big hugs and there is nothing like middle of the night hugs and kisses.

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  12. Awww hon. Days like this are so hard. But you are doing such a wonderful job....you have sacrificed and done so much for Avelyn and you continue to do so. She is developing perfectly into a beautiful, smart, strong little girl. And so much of that is because of YOU.

    I'm sorry I am so late posting this. I've been a horrible bloggy friend lately, I am so far behind on everything.... :(

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