Friday, March 20, 2009

Topic Tuesday (on Friday)

Truth #1,247 – I’m jealous of stay at home moms. Like, a lot. And I have a ton of questions that I would love to hear your opinions on. If you’re a working parent, a SAH parent, a part time working/SAH, or don’t have kids at all I want to hear from you.

For one, I don’t understand how these families do it. What must their husbands do to support a growing family, especially in today’s economy? Who are these men that fully support and even encourage their wives staying home? Do any of them secretly wish it were 1950 and think it’s the woman’s “responsibility”? Kevin never supported the idea of me staying at home when we had kids. It was one of my biggest anxiety inducing discussions because growing up, in between wanting to be a doctor, a nurse and a professional Sonic roller girl, I always wanted to be at home with my kids.

Our particular situation evolved from a million different circumstances. For one, all the women in Kevin’s family have college educations, many of them at the graduate level and he could not imagine his wife not being educated and working too. Second, neither of my parents had a college education and pushed it’s importance from a very young age. Third, my dad died when I was thirteen and without an education and no work experience (having stayed home with 3 kids) my mother was virtually unemployable. I never, ever want to be in a situation where I cannot support myself and I NEVER want to depend on someone else to support me.

When Kevin and I got married we made decisions (not every one of those decisions were together I would say) that resulted in a big mess of financial burdens. It started like this: getting married in TX-moving to Chicago-incurring Chicago cost of living via student loans and financial death (credit cards)-moving to home of financial death and unemployment (NY)-moving back to TX-starting school all over again-incurring more student loans-living in different cities-having a baby. Now more than ever there is no way I could stay home.

There is also no way for me to accurately describe how I feel about working/not working because it’s the never ending picket fence I straddle every day. I LOVE that I’m going to be a nurse because I love the nursing profession. I am passionate about caring for people who are sick, especially children; it’s not just a job for me. But, I LOVE Avelyn more than anything and I hate that I don’t stay home with her. So before we get to the part where I’m looking forward to hearing from you, here is something I’ve wanted to say about my situation for a long time…

It’s hard for me to talk about my life and be really honest about it. Because when I talk about my life (making the decision to move Avelyn 200 miles away, or putting her in daycare, or starting my career) and people say things like “I don’t know how you do that… I could NEVER do that… I could NEVER let someone else watch my kids… I would DIE if I had to work and let a stranger watch my kids…” what you’re saying can sometimes make us working moms feel like you think you’re a better mom, that you love your child more because you stay home. And I know you don’t mean to imply that, but that’s how it came come across. To me anyway. It doesn’t help that those feelings are already at the surface because no one makes me feel more guilty than myself. That’s what I love about blogging, I find people all over the world that I can relate to, something I can’t always find in real life. Amanda, Sarah, Stefany, do you guys ever feel this way?

Well now that I’m off my soapbox let’s get back to the juicy stuff. I want to hear from you! Before you comment, keep in mind that there is no way any of us can understand each other’s situations and there is definitely no room to judge. That being said, let’s dish!

First, let us know who you are - working mom/dad, SAHM/SAHD, childfree, single, married?

For the stay at home crowd:

Is your staying at home a choice? (AKA did you decide or does your partner insist on you staying home?)

Does it cause any tension between you and your partner, not bringing in your “own” money?

How do you do it?

Are you ever jealous of the other side?

Do you have to pinch your pennies or do you make enough to keep afloat without living month-to-month?

Even if you love your situation are there days when you just can’t take it anymore? What do you do?

When do you get a break?

Do any of you husbands ever resent the fact that your wife stays home or doesn’t bring home a paycheck?

If you were able to live on the other side of the work/home fence for a month, what would you love to do?

If you’re a SAH mom or dad, when did you have the discussion to make this decision? Was your partner supportive from the get go or did it take some time?

Do you ever regret your decision? Do you secretly think your partner does?

And for all you working parents out there:

Which one of you works and what do you do?

How do you do it everyday?

Who watches your children?

Is your decision to work based on finances, fulfillment (you don’t have to work but you love it), sole providership?

Does your working outside the home cause tension? (does your partner think you should stay at home)

When did you two discuss your work/at home options? Before/after the birth of your child?

How do you really feel about the other side? (the stay at home parents)

How do you feel when your SAH friends say things like “I don’t know how you do that… I could NEVER let someone else watch my kids…”

Anything else you want to say…?

I hope you find this topic interesting and will be honest and let us all in on your daily life. This is a controversial topic and there is NO right or wrong answer. I just want it to be informative, eye opening and fun.

**Update** Always nice to know other people are thinking the same things you are!

13 comments:

  1. First and foremost let me say, I love you, I love hobo, I love Kevin (not in that way of course…). I love that we have reconnected after 10 years and that our friendship is stronger because of being bonded thru mommyhood. I love your blog. I love your honesty. Your blog was one of the bigger reasons that I started blogging. And now for your questions:

    For the stay at home crowd:

    Is your staying at home a choice? (AKA did you decide or does your partner insist on you staying home?)
    Yes, I made the choice. When I got pregnant both of us were working and making almost the same amount of money. Granted, we had a stack of bills to show for it but we were able to keep up. My mom stayed at home when I grew up and I knew that I really wanted to do the same. I just couldn’t imagine missing out on my kid(s) lives (and I am sooo not trying to throw that in anyone’s face). Plus after I researched the cost of child care I was shocked to learn that I would literally be working to pay for child care. So, we gulped and ultimately I said I wanted to stay home no matter how hard it was. My husband agreed and we have never looked back.

    Does it cause any tension between you and your partner, not bringing in your “own” money?
    No. There are times that I feel like I don’t “do” anything (LOTS of times) but he has NEVER made me feel like he is better or deserves to do whatever he wants with “his” money. But then again, I take care of paying bills, balancing the checkbook, and fretting about where all “our” money goes to so he really doesn’t have a choice!

    How do you do it?
    Ah, the million dollar question. How? To be brutally honest, we BARELY do it. When Tyson was born our income was quite literally cut in half but yet we added another person to the family plus diapers, formula, clothes and all that goes along with baby (isn’t it amazing how much a 9 pound infant costs? Ouch.). It was hard. It still is hard. Really hard. We have always had a spreadsheet laid out of our bills, income…and I can not tell you how many times some bills didn’t get paid and our bank account was at $0.00 or less. We have borrowed money from our parents (one of the harder things we have had to do), sold things, and let some credit cards get to the point of going to collections (wow, that was really hard to admit). After 3 ½ years of living on one income, we have managed to whittle of bills down to an amount that is less than what he makes. Now that he is about to be jobless, I am going to have to step up and that scares the living daylights out of me. How ARE we going to do it??

    Are you ever jealous of the other side?
    Yes. I would love to put on non-mommy clothes, do my hair, put make-up on and talk to adults about something other than my kids and kid things. I would love to feel like I am contributing more to our family (he is always quick to say I AM contributing by staying home). I would love finish school and make myself look better on paper.

    Do you have to pinch your pennies or do you make enough to keep afloat without living month-to-month?
    Pinching pennies isn’t even the half of it. I have never known anything other than month-to-month living. I am also incredibly jealous of people who don’t live month-to-month. I would love to buy something just when I feel like it and not think about how it would affect out bank account. I feel horrible when I tell him that he can’t spend money somewhere because we only have $14.96 left till the end of payday. Yeah, it sucks.

    Even if you love your situation are there days when you just can’t take it anymore? What do you do?
    Absolutely. I cry. I panic. I am anxious. I can’t not think about it. I climb the walls. But then when I am faced with what to do, I have no clue.

    When do you get a break?
    Saturday mornings, he lets me sleep in. I also take a nap everyday when the boys do.

    Do any of you husbands ever resent the fact that your wife stays home or doesn’t bring home a paycheck?
    Nope. Not at all. He tells me so quite often. This is a conversation we have on a weekly basis.

    If you were able to live on the other side of the work/home fence for a month, what would you love to do?
    I have no clue. Really. My life has been defined by motherhood for so long now that I really don’t know what I really like to do without my kids.

    If you’re a SAH mom or dad, when did you have the discussion to make this decision? Was your partner supportive from the get go or did it take some time?
    While I was pregnant. He was completely supportive.

    Do you ever regret your decision? Do you secretly think your partner does?
    No. Not at all. I love the fact that they have never been in daycare or learned some of the “bad” things from daycare. I love that I have been there for every milestone, bump and bruise. There are times that I wish things were easier (monetarily) but I don’t doubt my decision to stay home at all. I honestly don’t think he does either. Part of him likes being “the man” and working while I stay home (even as old as that sounds).

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  2. Well, as I'm single and childless, I can barely imagine what your life must be like. But I can definitely relate to the financial issues. Both of my parents never graduated from college, so my whole life I've been told how important a good education is. Not only that, but I'm smart (not trying to brag here, but I am one of those people who does well in school pretty naturally). College was almost a given for me, no choices about it. Of course going off to college, or staying home to work full time to help support my family and delay my dreams were the decisions I had to face.

    When I get married and have children, I have no idea what I will do in terms of working vs. staying home. I guess a lot of it will have to do with my situation in life at the time. It's just hard to know what is the "right" thing, considering how I was raised vs. the society we live in. My parents are older (for having such 'young' children) and they came from a generation of the women stay home and raise the family while the men work. My maternal grandmother had to go to school and get a job for the first time in her life after her husband, my grandfather, died when my mom was 12. I would never want to be put in that situation. My own mother has no real education, and only has limited job experience. She's worked on and off over the years when our family's financial situation demanded it.

    I can't even begin to know what making that decision is like. I like being busy and working and learning and what not, but I know when I have kids I will love them so much more than I can comprehend right now. So what ends up happening for me, time will only tell. I guess you just have to do what is best for you and your family in the situation, and when faced with tough choices, decide what you can live with and what you can't and go from there.

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  3. There is NO WAY I can answer these questions by typing them out! It would take DAYS! Although, most of my answers would be similar to Clarissa's. The only difference is financially we don't have credit card debt and Michael's student loans are only $250 a month. We have done the Dave Ramsey thing and as much as I HATE it, it works. So, we don't have any car payments. Michael doesn't get paid as much as he is worth, but who does in education?! As far as the decision to stay home and the husband stuff...pretty much the same as C. The truth is - you gota do what you gotta do, and you are doing it! :) We should have lunch and talk about it, and LOTS of other stuff! HUGS!

    Raena

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  4. Is your staying at home a choice? (AKA did you decide or does your partner insist on you staying home?)Its a choice. I want for my children what I had growing up. Although my mom did work part time for a while. She had no choice she got sick and could not work.

    Does it cause any tension between you and your partner, not bringing in your “own” money? Sometimes yes. It my money and Ill spend it how I like thing. But its gotten better as hes grown up.

    How do you do it? By the Grace of God honestly! I could show you our budget...itll make your head spin.

    Are you ever jealous of the other side? Some days, but I know what Im doing is right for our family.

    Do you have to pinch your pennies or do you make enough to keep afloat without living month-to-month? We totally pinch, living pay check o pay check with indulgences here and there to make it harder lol...seen our Wii? But we dont have cable so we can buy movies.

    Even if you love your situation are there days when you just can’t take it anymore? What do you do? YES! Pray.

    When do you get a break? Bunco night! First Thursday of every month...if I can get a sitter.

    Do any of you husbands ever resent the fact that your wife stays home or doesn’t bring home a paycheck? He does sometimes.

    If you were able to live on the other side of the work/home fence for a month, what would you love to do? I would want to be some rich persons personal asst. Make phone calls run errands...get coffee.

    If you’re a SAH mom or dad, when did you have the discussion to make this decision? Was your partner supportive from the get go or did it take some time? We never really had the discussion it was just assumed that one of us would stay home. Since Dustin could make more money in the beginning and I make the milk it was him who worked. I have had a piddly job here and there after Boy weaned, but never enough to make a big difference. We have discussed me going to work and Dustin staying home to do the FT dad and FT student thing. But that would be after little one is weaned.

    Do you ever regret your decision? Do you secretly think your partner does? Dustin is quite envious of the time I get with the boys. He does wish we could switch. Some days I wish I could be somewhere where there is nothing but grown up talk.

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  5. I can't believe people would say something like that to you. How can they judge you for choosing to work and pay off student loans and put Avelyn in daycare in order to do it? How can someone be incredulous at you for making a decision that will provide for your kid better in the long run? That really annoys me, on your behalf- that they'd judge you for working, let alone judging you out loud/via email.

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  6. first of all, i want to say for the record i think this is an interesting discussion which definitely can have different correct answers for each family. with that being said, here's a shot at answering for our family...

    For the stay at home crowd:
    *Is your staying at home a choice?
    yes, i've always hoped more than anything i could stay-at-home when the day came
    *Does it cause any tension between you and your partner, not bringing in your “own” money?
    no, this was an area we both have always agreed on. we have interesting dynamics on the "own money" topic because for the first 3+ years of our marriage i was the only one bringing in an income while evan went to school and now we switched who works for our income.
    How do you do it?
    *i think it was extremely helpful that we have never had two incomes at the same time so we didn't have to adjust to cutting down to one income after akm was born.
    Are you ever jealous of the other side?
    *sure, of course. as much as i love staying home and being around for the day-to-day sometimes i feel like my brain power is shrinking by the hour because i don't challenge it constantly in the ways i used to. i worry that i will be at dinner and only be able to talk about kid things. what if i suddenly lose all knowledge of current events or grownup topics?
    Do you have to pinch your pennies or do you make enough to keep afloat without living month-to-month?
    *some months are definitely smoother than others. we try not to use credit cards so if we can't afford something without them, then we to do without.
    Even if you love your situation are there days when you just can’t take it anymore? What do you do?
    *some days i feel like i'm not making a difference, or i'm not as good at being a mom as i thought i would be or want to be. i wish i could prioritize what needs to be done and give attention to akm all the time too. on days where i get overwhelmed with all of this there are definitely tears involved.
    When do you get a break?
    *we take turns who sleeps in on sat. mornings. ev usually bathes her in the evenings and those few minutes of quiet for me and being able to straighten go a long way for my attitude.
    If you were able to live on the other side of the work/home fence for a month, what would you love to do?
    *be a secretary, or design something creative
    If you’re a SAH mom or dad, when did you have the discussion to make this decision? Was your partner supportive from the get go or did it take some time?
    *before we got married we discussed that this would be both of our first choice if possible.
    Do you ever regret your decision? Do you secretly think your partner does?
    *i haven't so far

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  7. ps- i did have to go back to work for 3 months after she was born (insurance, etc. etc.) and i think those made me appreciate being able to stay-home now all the more.

    pps- i admire what you are do for your family greatly.

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  8. I just want to say I have some really great friends :) Real world or .com world. Your differences are what draw me to each of you and I love your openness and candor. I am blessed to have met some wonderful people in this life!

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  9. Jenn,
    Yes, I think about these same things everyday. Often, multiple times while I am working. It is such a hard thing to know that you aren't at home with your baby but the truth is...sometimes we just can't be there. I know that I am providing a better life for her in the long run. Giving her the ability to go to college and come out without mounds of debt (like us..ugh!), to go on trips and have pretty clothes. I know that if I didnt work she wouldnt have to the same future as if I would stay home.

    We would probably be able to scrape by (maybe...) but in the long run, Laila wouldnt have the same great opportunities if I didnt make some sacrifices now.

    Also, my future children would probably have even LESS opportunities. She is so happy now, that I don't think me staying at home would make a difference to HER, just to me. So, I push forward every day know that Laila will have a bright future.

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  10. Jenn, you and I are part of the special, awesome amazing mom club. We are the moms that are able to handle a full time job, raising our beautiful daughters, keeping our marriages happy, keeping up with the house, running errands on lunch-breaks, making sure there's clean laundry and formula and diapers in the house, making time for friends and family, cooking and cleaning up dinner after working that long day, making sure there's that special time in the evenings for snuggles and stories, oh, and if there's a minute left in the day, some time for us.

    Would I love to stay at home with Claire? Sure I would. Ryan and I decided before we got married that in order to maintain the lifestyle that we've become accoustomed to that I would have to work as well. I can't imagine the stress of living paycheck to paycheck. I never want to know the feeling of not having money in the bank. If I want to go buy something, I buy it and never think twice about swiping my debit card. I never want to be in credit card debt. Ever. I want to give Claire the best of everything, and in order to do that we need two incomes. We are fortunate enough that my mom watches Claire while we work, so daycare has never been an issue with us.

    To my SAHM friends, I say you go girls. I don't know how they do it (although, reading some of your other comments, I imagine they have fairly similar situations). There are mornings when I am so happy to drop Claire off and get that break--like when she's teathing or just having that fussy morning. I think SAHM's have a tough job, just different than us mom's that work outside the house. I don't think they really understand when they make the comments like "I could never leave her all day...I don't know how you do it.." that it hits us right in the heart. And it makes me feel even more guilty than I already do. I know that Ryan and I are doing what's best for our family and that's all that really matters.

    Thanks for letting me vent on YOUR blog. I love knowing that you're out there, and that you GET ME. Sometimes I read your blog and it's like you took my thoughs and made them make sense on paper. Wish you girls lived closer ) :

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  11. Great discussion! I love knowing that there are other moms out there who struggle with the same things I do.

    Is your staying at home a choice? (AKA did you decide or does your partner insist on you staying home?)
    ~Yes, it's a choice we made together.

    Does it cause any tension between you and your partner, not bringing in your “own” money?
    ~No. Honestly, I've never even thought about it that way. We both view our money as OUR money, not the money he makes and gives to me.
    How do you do it?
    ~It's hard. When we found out I was pregnant, we started putting half of my paycheck to credit card debt and the other half into savings. By the time Kate was born, we were out of cc debt and had 6 months worth of expenses in savings. That cushion was the only thing that made us comfortable with me quitting my job.
    Are you ever jealous of the other side?
    ~Not really. Do I wish I had more time interacting with other adults? Yes. But would I want to go to work every day and then come home and be responsible for my kids and the house? No way.

    Do you have to pinch your pennies or do you make enough to keep afloat without living month-to-month?
    ~ When I quit my job, I also sold my car, so we were a one-car family for more than a year. In addition to that, we follow Dave Ramsey, so I guess you could say we pinch pennies. We don't feel deprived though. We bought a 2nd car last year, we have "blow" money that we can spend on whatever we want, and we're on our way to paying off those pesky student loans!

    Even if you love your situation are there days when you just can’t take it anymore? What do you do?
    ~Uh, yeah. I usually try to get together with another SAHM so our kids can play and we can chat. If it's REALLY bad, I call in my mom for reinforcement!

    When do you get a break?
    ~Never. I love my husband, but he's not great at taking responsibility for the kids so I can have alone time. My only regular breaks come on Mon/Wed/Fri nights when I go to the gym (after I've fed the kids and put the baby to bed.)I might get out with girlfriends once a month.

    If you were able to live on the other side of the work/home fence for a month, what would you love to do?
    ~I really don't know. I'd just like to explore a few different professions to see what I like.

    If you’re a SAH mom or dad, when did you have the discussion to make this decision? Was your partner supportive from the get go or did it take some time?
    ~Staying home with my kids is something I've always felt strongly about, so we made the decision before we even got married. Josh agreed, as long as he was making enough money to support us comfortably when the baby came.

    Do you ever regret your decision? Do you secretly think your partner does?
    ~Never. I have thought about going back to work. There are days that are impossibly hard. Sometimes I feel completely isolated from the rest of the world, but I get over it, and remember that the good outweighs the bad.

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  12. Yes, I totally feel that way! As I have said before, I don't have many mommy friends in real life, let alone ones who are going through the same things as I am. So my bloggy friends have been such an amazing source of support. I just get sad that I can't hang out with them in real life. Sniff sniff.

    I am about to leave work to pick up Brooklyn's Rx's, and blogger already deleted my long reply, so I will answer this as quickly as possible, and of course you can email me if you want to discuss it further :)

    We both work. I am a probation officer and Dave is a sheriff's deputy. We work almost opposite shifts and have completely different days off. So on the days that we both work, during the few hrs that overlap, my mom keeps Brooklyn. I know I am so fortunate. I don't know what I would do without her. I didn't want to put Brooklyn in daycare to begin with....then came her health problems and we were told she was not allowed to be cared for in a "group setting."

    We tried to crunch the numbers after Brooklyn was born because I decided I really really really wanted to be at home with her. The money just wasn't there. We wouldn't have been able to keep our house, and going back to an apartment just wasn't something I was willing to do. Selfish? Maybe, I don't know. It's just the truth. Some people will sacrifice any and everything, but there were some things I could not give up. Anyway, a couple of months after I went back to work, Dave was demoted over some total BS and we took a nearly $14,000.00 pay cut. So I guess there was a good reason for me going back to work...as in, God knew what was coming for us.

    Dave would love to make enough $ so that I could stay at home or work part time IF I WANT TO. Given his line of work, it will probably NEVER happen. But it is not a point of contention for us.

    I will admit that I am jealous of the SAHM's. I say that knowing that theirs is a terribly hard job with no thanks, and that many have to sacrifice a lot in order to do it. But I just wish I had the option, even temporarily. I am offended by some of their comments at times and just want to say, "Well, it must be so nice to be able to do what I want to do." Especially those moms who are not dealing with financial problems bc of staying at home, whose husbands are making the big bucks and their houses and cars and all are nicer than mine even with a single income. Those are the people who often rub me the wrong way, because I don't think they get that the rest of us don't all have that option.

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  13. Is your staying at home a choice? (AKA did you decide or does your partner insist on you staying home?)-----It was a mutual decision between my husband and I. He was making enough money when my daughter was born, and I had always wanted to TRY staying at home, so we gave it a shot. It works really well for us so far, so we're sticking with it.

    Does it cause any tension between you and your partner, not bringing in your “own” money?----Nope, none at all. I've had friend, though, whose husbands had a little "power trip" about money issues, ugh.

    How do you do it?----I just do it. :-) My husband has been fortunate to have well-paying jobs thus far, so it's just always worked out.

    Are you ever jealous of the other side? ----I can sometimes get jealous about certain aspects of working mom's day. I don't really get jealous about stuff like HAVING to get showered, dressed, kids ready, and out the door by 7am. BUT, I sometimes miss having an outside identity for myself. I am just Mommy about 95% of the time.


    Do you have to pinch your pennies or do you make enough to keep afloat without living month-to-month? We make enough. We do budget our income, though, just because it makes things easier for us as far as seeing where all of the money is going each month.

    Even if you love your situation are there days when you just can’t take it anymore? What do you do? ----- YES! For the love of God, yes. I just have to get through that day and trust that the next day will be better. Wine also helps.

    When do you get a break? ---- I'm lucky to have an amazing husband who knows how important it is for me to get breaks now and then. I have girls' nights out, or go to the bookstore alone and read with my big cup of coffee, get my hair done, or just go to a friend's house ot chat for a couple of hours. I'm lucky, though, and I know of a LOT of SAHMs that don't get near enough breaks.

    Do any of you husbands ever resent the fact that your wife stays home or doesn’t bring home a paycheck? ------Not as far as I know. It seems to work out for us since he HATES doing stuff like laundry and cleaning, and I don't really care for working in an office :-)

    If you were able to live on the other side of the work/home fence for a month, what would you love to do? I would love to go back to doing what I used to do: mortgage broker. Well, maybe not in this stinky economy, but I really enjoyed my job before I had kids.

    If you’re a SAH mom or dad, when did you have the discussion to make this decision? Was your partner supportive from the get go or did it take some time? --- While we were still in the hospital after I had my daughter, we discussed it. We decided that we would give it a shot and see if I enjoyed it and if it worked financially. It has always been important to my husband that I be the one with our kids, I think because his mom was a SAHM as well.

    Do you ever regret your decision? Do you secretly think your partner does? ---Not at all! Of course there are hard days and sometimes I want to rip all of my hair out when the kids are driving me crazy, but I think I am right where I belong at this time in my life.

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