Saturday, May 2, 2009

WARNING: Major vent session follows

I’m feeling down today, stressed out, and anxious.  There is too much going on and I don’t like it.  And honestly I am tired of pretending I’m okay about it.

I am so sick of feeling guilty for the way I feel.  Especially about things that should be wonderful times in my life.  Take this stupid graduation for example.  I went back to school for something I believed in, even though I have tens of thousands of dollars in loans I will be paying from the previous worthless degree until the day I die.  I had a baby in the middle of school, and didn’t drop out.  I did it while my husband lived 200 miles away.  I made the awful decision to part with my daughter so I could finish.  And now I’m about to graduate, on time.  This graduation isn’t stupid, but I sure am starting to hate it.

I know she won’t remember or even understand what’s going on, but Avelyn will be there and that means so much to me.  I don’t need anyone else but her.  (And Kevin of course.)  I don’t need any gifts, I don’t want a big show.  I have said this time after time after time and I mean it.  Why doesn’t anyone get it?  Why won’t they respect my wishes?  I don’t want a big graduation dinner.  I don’t want cards or gifts.  I don’t want people there who I have said I DON’T WANT TO BE THERE.  I just want a low key hey-thanks-for-coming-I’ll-see-you-after-the-ceremony kind of thing.  If you feel like I owe you time or something for coming to this then you shouldn’t be there.  This isn’t a celebration of you taking time to be there.  It’s a celebration of me and my fellow students somehow surviving long enough to make it out of this hell called nursing school. 

I know this sounds like I’m being ungrateful but it wouldn’t be like that if you people would listen to me and hear what I am saying.  Is it crazy to want to be surrounded by people I want to be there?  People that make me feel good?  People that don’t stress me out to the point I want to call the whole thing off, crawl into a hole and down a bottle of antidepressants?  Because that’s how I’m feeling about this whole stupid thing now.  Think anyone would notice if I didn’t even show?  Probably not because clearly it’s not about me.

Also, this is my second graduation.  The first one was bad enough.  I have invited my mom, my grandparents, Kevin’s parents and my sister.  That is it.  That is all.  And my sister probably won’t come because a) she lives far away and b) she and my mom are feuding again because they are essentially the same person and neither will back down.  And I said it was stupid, but this graduation isn’t stupid, it’s great.  I hate that I am hating it.  I just want to pass my finals next Monday and Tuesday and get the hello out of town. I want to move in to MY house with MY husband and MY daughter and get on with MY life. I want a vacation from everyone and everything that is going on. 

I say all these things and they sound horrible.  But why does it have to get to this point?  Why does it have to sound horrible?  I just want people to respect me.  I’m not an idiot.  I am me, take it or leave it.  We don’t have to like each other, but I deserve the same respect as everyone else in the family.  I’m the oldest on my side and the youngest on Kevin’s side.  In age, that is. 

So that’s my [if you can believe it, very edited] rant.  I don’t care anymore.  I’m done trying to pretend like I’m okay with everything and I’m done caring about this whole thing.  You guys just do what you want to do.  I don’t care who comes or what we do.  I.JUST.DON’T.CARE.  I am stressed out, worn out, tired, annoyed, peeved, and ready to have my family back.  We are done living with his parents.  We are done being treated like kids.  We have our own kid(s).  We are not borrowing any more money and we are not doing what the rest of them want to do just because the rest of them have lots of money and make all the plans.  We are starting our traditions.  We are going on our vacations.  We are starting our lives.  Our independent, don’t need no help, don’t want no help, we’ll tell you if we want your opinion, lives.

Big.  Long.  Sigh. 

Hi, I am Jennifer.  I am a wife.  I am a mother.  I’m a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a friend, an enemy, a nurse, a loony tune.  A person.  I don’t like unsolicited advice, especially about how I should feel and especially about how to parent or deal with my child.  I love freedom of speech and opinions, unless you don’t respect mine and try to impress yours.  If you can’t respect our differences don’t talk to me.

I am here.  I matter.  And right now I need to start protecting myself and mine.

PS – May 22 marks 15 years since my Dad passed away.  It sucks.  And it’s not helping my mood right now.

**Regular light hearted posting to return imminently when I read this post later and feel incredibly embarrassed that I wrote it, and incredibly angry I just didn’t say what I wanted to say.  Tootles!


  1. Jennifer,

    No need to backpedal or feel embarrassed. Graduation SHOULD be carefree and filled with people you WANT to be there. It's almost done. And even if people you don't want there show up, don't let it ruin your day. It is YOUR day, after all.

    People are dumb. People will always be dumb. Fuck it. You've almost survived... Not just survived, conquered nursing school with GRACE that I am not capable.

    I have barely been able to wipe my ass during nursing school let alone.. oh I don't know, grow and birth a baby and tend to your marriage at the same time. You've done good. Don't let anyone else make this about THEM.


  2. Thanks Paige. I'm already feeling better just having gotten that off my chest. And honestly, who cares anymore? You're right, people are dumb. No reason to let it ruin my day. If they come, they come. My whole life I have been the bigger person and end up forgiving and forgetting stupid family crap. I have a beautiful girl who loves me, a fantastic husband that gets me and loves me for me, and I have some GREAT friends. The life I'm making for myself is good. The end. :) See you Monday for our LAST week of nursing school EVER!!!!!

  3. I agree with Paige, enjoy YOUR day and don't let anyone else get you down. Be proud of your accomplishments and fuck those who aren't.

  4. I didn't know May 22 was the anniversary of his passing. Jennifer, my MIL passed away May 26 of last year. I've been working on a post for awhile about my thoughts on the whole thing...
    I think "suck" is a very good descriptive word right now. It is in my arsenal of favs (much to my mother's glares). I'm so sorry that you are having to go thru so much right now. Maybe that chocolate and Tequila that I promised really will make there way to you.

  5. Hon, I didn't even want to go to my graduation. My parents practically forced me to go. And it was boring, terribly boring. I was just glad to be done and moving on. And you know what? I'm not going to the next one. I sit here typing this on the weekend before the husband's graduation, which neither of us is going to. We don't want to and heck I won't even be in town. You do what you want and if people show up that you don't want to see you just keep walking right off that stage and in to the car and drive home with that great husband and beautiful baby.

  6. Holy should be so freakin proud of yourself!

    This is your life, your family, your baby and your degree. I don't blame you for wanting it to just be yours.

  7. Hey this is me again...long time...been lurking for a while...
    First, pics of Ava are awesome and the b'day part looked really great (i still cant get over the cards!!!)
    Of all the things you said you seem everything but a are really a saint to suppress everything and vent out on paper. Huh, come to think of it, my wife is exactly like you.
    So take a chill pill, as I always say, the only thing that matters is your beautiful child and your hubby. You worked your ass off for 2 years to get a degree, work in something you like and get a better life. You deserve to be happy. So forget everyone and go enjoy the day. Snap some pics and go enjoy (a.k.a partying) with the kid and hubby.
    Heck, I did not even enjoy my graduation (3 times, dammit) because of the same situation..but you know what, 5 years down the lane, I wish i just ignored everything and enjoyed it for ourselves...well time to get back to school now...
    P.S: Occasional venting is good in writing. Consider also letting some fume out in the situation room, research shows that it helps sooth minds, melt hearts, infuriate others, and deliver good karma.

  8. "And my sister probably won’t come because a) she lives far away and b) she and my mom are feuding again because they are essentially the same person and neither will back down."

    Hmmm... I think I have shut my mouth LONG ENOUGH! I am not the whipping boy--- YKW!


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