Thursday, January 29, 2009

My achey breaky heart

I'm currently washing tiny onesies and pink stretchy pants. I've got a bag full of jars of baby food, made from scratch in my kitchen, sitting in my freezer all tied up and ready to go. I'm folding little shirts and socks and putting them in piles that will fit ever so nicely in a suitcase I am packing with an imaginary ONE WAY! sticker plastered on the front.

I'm driving to San Antonio tomorrow and leaving my daughter with my husband until May. All I want to do is cry.

Last night I felt okay about this decision. Not great, but I thought it could work. We found a childcare center we liked with an opening (shocker), albeit more expensive than we can afford right now. A place with cameras in every room so I could log on to the internet at any time of the day and see what Avelyn is up to. On the drive back to Houston yesterday I ran it over and over in my head. Was I doing the right thing for her? In the long run, sure. Was I doing the right thing for me. In the long run, yes . Was I making the best decision in a tough situation that will ultimately benefit our family for the better for the rest of our lives? Yes. Then why does it feel so crappy? Oh yeah, because to do that this Momma is essentially giving up her baby for 14 weeks. [Heart rips through chest and plops to the floor in a red, hot, bloody, beating heap.]

What kind of a mother does that?

Me. Me does that. Me does that because I know in the long run it is the best decision for our family. This move will allow me to focus more on school, something I cannot seem to ever do with this precious, amazingly beautiful girl in my house. This move will allow me to finish my last semester of undergraduate education EVER and graduate with a great job and a steady paycheck that will provide for my family. This move will... well I can't come up with a really good third reason so the first two will have to suffice.

I know some of you probably think I'm making a bad decision. You're wrong. But you're also so, so right. My brain knows this will help me get through school. My brain reminds me it's just a few weeks apart and then we'll have the rest of our lives. Brain also knows I will see her every week, just not every day, and that it will not in fact kill me.

"Bloody nincompoop liar!" my heart screams back.

Heart keeps poking my brain with it's big fat pudgy finger and talking nonstop about that beautiful baby's gorgeous face, feet, hands, eyes. Heart knows how much I love her and how hard this is going to be. Heart remembers the early days when I cried all day every day and she was right next to me. Heart is a little worried it might break.

Well, Heart, you are right. When we pull away Monday afternoon and take the long drive back to Houston, just you and I, you will probably feel broken and I will probably cry. Luckily we have Brain there with us too. It's Brain's job to let us feel broken and sad every now and then and then sweep in at just the right moment and remind us that the precious, amazingly beautiful girl we just drove away from is happy, healthy and incredibly loved by the man we left her with.

Thanks Brain. Thanks Heart. Somehow I just don't think I could live without you.
We can do this, the three of us, and we will be magnificent.


  1. I don't know what to say; I have tears running down my cheeks, my hands are shaking and all I can think is that you are amazing, wonderful and the best damn mom ever.

  2. Avelyn's lucky to have such a great mom. What a hard, hard decision to have to make though. Don't worry about what other people think. Avelyn will know she is loved and after fourteen weeks she'll never know you were gone (the wonderful thing about babies' memories!) You're doing such a good job- just hang in a little longer! Lots of people will be praying for you in the meantime.

  3. U R the Rock! U Will ROCK when you are there on the weekends! U will ROCK as a nurse! U Will be the best mom when you can provide for Avelyn what other moms worry about! U ROCK!

  4. What a painfully tough, horrible, heart-tearing, STRONG WOMAN/MOMMY/WIFE) decision you had to make. My heart breaks for you as you pack her things up to send to Daddy's. You will get through this, and hey, all us blogger mommy's are here to listen to your every cry, whine, whimper, and we say it's OK for you to feel sorry for yourself on this one ( :

  5. I know you are making the right decision. Kev and the day care center will do an AMAZING job caring for your little girl, and you will be so focused on finishing up school to be back with her again, you will ace all of your classes and be the best Momma ever. And getting it all done when she's so little is the best decision. I believe in you. <3

  6. I teared up as I read this post. I don't know how you do it, but you are hands down one of the best moms I know. Unfortunately they don't teach us how to mend these wounds in nursing school, so all I can do is send you a virtual hug and know that I am praying for you and your family.

  7. WOW hon, what a hard thing to have to do, and what a hard decision it must have been. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. But you are smart and strong and a wonderful balance of heart and brain. Did I mention you're a wonderful, loving mommy too? I know Avelyn agrees.


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