It’s hard, but the paycheck is a nice perk

This is my 322nd post. That doesn't mean much but I thought I'd tell you since it's news to me.  If you look at the number of posts from last year you would think this number should be much higher.  I can't pinpoint exactly what's been going on that has made my posting wane.  I used to think about all kinds of blog posts to write and sometimes had a hard time narrowing down what to say which often resulted in insanely long posts that I bet no one could finish reading.  You all probably skipped the words and went straight to the pictures didn't you?  Don't lie.  I do the same thing.

I'm in a really weird place right now I guess.  School is over.  That’s weird.  Work has begun.  Weird.  I am now thought competent to practice nursing and people look at and talk to me in the hospital like I know all the answers and will be able to work wonders on their kid.  Uber weird.  News flash: I do not have all the answers.  Most nights, er mornings, I drive home thinking about you and your kids and how I wish I would have remembered to say just one more thing that might have been helpful to you.  In the middle of thinking about what I forgot to do for you and your kid I try to focus on the image of my perfectly healthy, roly poly, ball of wonder waiting for me to walk through the door.  I think about those things and about NOT falling asleep at the wheel and also please-for-the-love-of-God-do-I-really-have-to-go-back-to-work-tonight-say-it-ain’t-so.

Anyway.  I think the biggest reason I haven’t been posting is because – here comes the honest truth – I am totally, completely, 100% overwhelmed.  Ta da!  Not in the “I need help before I have a mental breakdown” kind of overwhelmed, just

OVER
(freaking)
whelmed

at the sheer amount of things I have to keep track of these days.  I’ll tell you what folks -- Working is hard.  Being a real nurse is hard.  Being a real working-mom nurse working 12-hour night shifts and having 12-hour class days in the daytime whose husband is away for the summer is really freaking hard.  I’ve already been reamed out because I forgot to do some online evaluations for the Nurse Residency Program.  Oops.  I’ve also filled out my first Medication Error report.  (Shits and giggles!?!) Oops.  Also, truth be told -- I don’t love it as much as I thought I would.  I don’t know if it’s because everything is new and I’m out of my element or if this unit just isn’t the right fit for me or because Kevin is gone and I stress every minute about who will take care of Avelyn and how some of them just will NOT do it right no matter what I say… not that I think about that A LOT or anything.  I’m just not sure.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate it.  When I’m there I work really hard, try to absorb anything and everything I can, practice new skills every night and I enjoy my job.  I just don’t love it and I thought, or at least hoped that, I would.  Naive I guess but still, is it too much to ask? 

I keep telling everyone I’m not totally surprised I feel this way because it’s the ER.  The pediatric ER.  Does anyone really wake up in the morning thinking, “Say! I’d like to go to work tonight and stick IV’s and catheters into every little kid and tiny baby that walks in tonight!”  Well I don’t, but that’s a lot of what I do when I go there.  Argh.  Also, I had an abuse case each of the last two nights I worked.  One was a definite, no doubt in anyone’s mind abuse case and the other was suspected.  Either way it takes up your whole night and the cops come and CPS and it’s just miserable.  Those are really hard.  Those make your stomach churn and your mind race and your heart sink into the floor.  Those and the cancer kids.  How I ever thought I might want to do Pediatric Oncology is beyond me.  When those kids pop up on the intake screen I scan really fast hoping they are NOT in my room.  It’s too much.  It’s too sad.  Kids shouldn’t get cancer, especially little kids, especially especially babies.  It’s not right and I hate hate hate it.

Man, I didn’t intend for this to be such a downer post so I hope you read it carefully and don’t think I’m freaking out having a midlife crisis or anything.  This is just all new, and I have to get the hang of it.  Also, like I said, IT’S REALLY FREAKING HARD.  New jobs are never easy and it doesn’t help that I have been sick with a virus for the last three weeks and everyone in my Nurse Residency group treated me like I had the plague so now I have no friends.  Whatev.  I need some working mom friends.  Why do you all live in OTHER STATES?  What’s so great about your state?  I’d say move here but I can’t wait to move away from here.  Anyway, read this with caution.  I keep wanting this blog to be the outlet I want it to be, where I can write about the actual goings on in my life with my stellar and world renowned sarcasm without a bandwagon of friends and family going ape shit crazy.  But then I write something and someone, somewhere, goes ape shit crazy and I back off again.  Gah!  It’s 10:32pm and the Hobo slept terribly in Chicago so I am going to take advantage of my night and try to be in bed by midnight so I get at least 6 hours sleep. 

Since I’m back in Texas I’ll end with ‘Night folks! Y’all come back now, ya here! because in Texas we all ride horses to work and sleep outside and end our conversations like that.  So, ‘night!

(Coming soon… much more delightful post about our Fun Fab Fabulous few days in Chicago!  Need a teaser?)