Monday, March 30, 2009

Letters to Avelyn

My whole life I have had grand plans to be a journal writer.  There is something electrifying about touching all the journals in the store, flipping through the pages, imagining all the momentous occasions and deep soulful thoughts I could write down on it’s pages.  I would buy a new journal nearly every year and fill the first few pages with many un-momentous occasions and very un-deep soulful thoughts before they came to take their permanent place in my night stand drawer.  But oh do they look so pretty sitting in that drawer…

I had the same grand plan when I became pregnant with Avelyn.  So okay, maybe in the past I wasn’t so good at journaling but surely now, at this most pivotal point in my life, I will find the time and the words.  Oh won’t it be special to write down this experience so I can remember EVERY SINGLE DETAIL! I thought. OF COURSE I will have time to write in this journal I said.  OF COURSE I will write this baby letters about what I’m feeling; what he/she means to me.  OF COURSE I will find the time/sanity/sentence structure to forever capture these precious moments of life once she is born!  What kind of a mother would I be if I didn’t?  What kind of a mother can’t find the time to write a few sentences about and to her child every now and then?!? 

I’ll tell you who – ME.

Life happened.  It moved so fast.  I was so busy.  I couldn’t get the “perfect” words.  It didn’t sound right.  It sounded too cheesy.  Blah, blah, blah it didn’t get done.  And now, almost a year has gone since she entered this world and I don’t have one word in any journal.  I’ve started a couple of “Dear Avelyn” posts a few times but for some reason they never get finished.  They just sit in my sad little draft folder, patiently waiting their turn.  Every now and then I check the drafts folder, just to see what’s going on in there and I think I can hear their silent squeals of anticipation, “OHHHHHHHHHHHH pick me! Pick me! Pick me!”

Well tonight sweet letters to Avelyn, I am picking you.  Some of you aren’t finished but that’s okay, I think they’ll get the gist.  Maybe I’ll find the time/sanity/sentence structure to say what I want to say about her first birthday.  Maybe I won’t. 

10/18/08

Dear Avelyn,

Hey there sweet face, it's Momma.  You are six months old today!  You are one-half of a YEAR old!  Sometimes I feel like you've been with me my whole life and other days I can't believe it's gone so fast.  The first time I saw you, you were 34.9 mm.  3.49 cm.  1.37402 in.  0.00002 miles.  It was October 11, 2007 and you had been growing in my belly for 10 weeks and 3 days.  I can't remember what I was thinking when you popped up on that screen but I know I was filled with such a sense of wonder and surprise.  All of a sudden you were real.  I watched you bob around in there, moving ever so slightly, your tiny heart already beating away.  Daddy couldn't be there that day so I took a photo of you on my camera and sent your picture to him right away.  He called back in seconds asking all kinds of questions.  "When are you due?  Did you hear the heartbeat?  How big is it?"  He was so excited.  And now you're here…

 

12/4/08

Dear Avelyn,

I can't believe how becoming your mother has changed me so. I live, breathe and feel you with me all the time. I wonder when or if that will ever stop. It seems impossible.

You cry when I leave you now, whether to go in the kitchen or to go to school. I hate leaving you. You are better with Great Grandma Joyce than with the sitter. I am so happy you have this time to spend with her as my Great Grandma's were so special to me.

This week I'm trying to let you play on your own a little more; sometimes I think you're too dependent on me. It's hard to find a balance. I want to give you so much but sometimes I feel like I'm not giving enough. I hate that my mind wanders in the day, fretting over all the work I need to do for school and how it will all get done. When I'm with you I want to focus 100%. I guess either way I'll feel guilty about something, that seems to be the nature of things.

Oh, and you are so smart!  You know that the computer takes time away from you, so if I sit down to do some work you immediately start whining and reaching for me to come back. You usually win. I figure you can't be spoiled yet and if so who really cares? That's a perk of you being my kid, I make the rules. (And deal with the consequences so it's fair)…

 

3/31/09

Dear Avelyn,

I’m having a hard time coming to terms with everything that is beginning, ending and changing right now.  You have been with us for almost one year and have completely changed my life.  I am almost finished with nursing school (who would have thought the day would ever come?) and will soon start my first real job.  And we are soon to be a family again with me, you and Daddy ALL living under one roof together.  Just the three of us, for the first time since you were born.  Can you believe it?

A few weeks ago I made a very hard decision to move you to San Antonio to live with Daddy until I finish school.  I thought my heart would break.  I cried when I gave you your last bath in our Houston apartment, and when I packed up your suitcase full of your tiny little clothes.  I cried when I made a list of all your routines so Daddy could do things like we did them.  I cried really hard when he found his own way and didn’t need mine. 

And now here we are, coming to the end of this, whatever it was.  This unconventional weirdo life you were born into.  And while I might have it another way, i.e. (painlessly) surgically attach you to my body so we were never apart, I wouldn’t trade anything about you.  You are the most beautiful and precious being I could not have imagined in my most perfect dreams. 

What a wild ride we are on, my child.  An amazing wild ride.

Love,
Momma

11 comments:

  1. Such good letters!

    I'm totally with you on the journals. I buy the really neat, old fashioned ones and then NEVER use them...but keep buying them.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow....you are a fabulous mom....and Kevin is a great dad.....seldom do i see a dad taking the entire care of a kiddo (okay with a li'll help from grandparents)

    ReplyDelete
  3. As you know I'm a big fan of the "Dear Claire" letters. Finished or unfinished, I think you'll be so glad you wrote them--in the future when you're all under one roof, rolling in the dough, and can't even remember those first months, you'll have these to look back on and smile ( :

    ReplyDelete
  4. ***Sniff sniff***

    Beautiful post.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Keep writing. Those letters will mean so much to her someday. (Once she's past her hobobaby phase.)

    ReplyDelete
  6. There is no cheese there my friend! I am so glad you posted those. Puse sweetness! I am so excited yall will be in your house soon and together! Best of all close to us!

    ReplyDelete
  7. So "puse" is supposed to be pure nursing and typing is hard...lol

    ReplyDelete
  8. So sweet! Making me get all teary eyed.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I just found yoour blog and must say, I commend you on your strength! What a wonderful, selfless mommy you are! I constantly struggle with mommyhoood/career. As my maternity leave with my second daughter is ending, it is just as hard to go back to the office...even if only part time!

    ReplyDelete
  10. What lovely letters to your daughter. :) Blogging is a great way to discipline yourself to tell your child's stories.

    ReplyDelete

You're leaving ME a comment? Oh, I'm so flattered!